This Blog Is Full Of Crap

Blogging will be light today because it's November.

November has tied me to an old dead tree.

Get word to April to rescue me.

Regular blogging will resume tomorrow.

I don't drink enough fluids.

I used to drink mocha coffee with cinnamon, but I was gaining weight from the empty calories faster than I was without drinking the sludge.

Now, I fill up a big plastic Astros cup with icewater and get a styrofoam cup of hot tea. My goal is one in the morning and one in the afternoon.

So much for goals. I often leave at the end of the day with a nearly-full plastic cup on my desk.

So, for today, I've brewed the tea and dumped it over icewater in the plastic cup.

That's right: mango-peach iced tea.

What do you drink at work? Have you changed your drinking habits at work?

In the past, I participated in National Novel Writing Month.

I haven't participated in it for a year... or two... or three... or...

How long has it been since I churned out 50,000 words of high-speed crap, anyway? And when you tally up all the words that the participants generate year after year, man, that's a load of crap.

How many of these novels end up on the shelves? Or even in PDF format, passed around and building up audiences of their own? Or even read at all?

When it comes to writing, I'm content to limit my crap to my long-overdue "Catcamming For Dummies" project as well as churning out the 100 Word Stories, one a day until the day I die.

I also have some other projects in ever-increasing OpenOffice Word documents, building up crap over time until they are mercifully printed, deleted, or lost.

Forget about Walgreens and for everything else a place called Perfect. How about the excellent match between Specs and a place called Obscurity?

If John Kerry was so damn qualified to be the Democratic candidate as leader of the country in 2004, why don't they trust him to be leader of any meaningful committees, draft and introduce any major leagislation, or have to resort of crooked real estate swindlers as the Senate Minority Leader when Kerry's available?

It's because the man's a clown, folks. But despite this, some folks still love a clown, and let it be known that LaShawn is off in La-La Land, defending John Kerry.

Um... as we say here in Texas, yer wrong.

Let's give LaShawn and others the benefit of the doubt for the moment. Let's pretend that the man is telling the truth and that he screwed up big time.

Fine. So, if it was a botched joke:

1. If the truth was on his side, why did he not resort to it? His first instinct should have been to release his speechwriter's notes. You know, just pull out the notes, say "oops... that did not come out right" and then apologize and deliver it as it should have been delivered?

   But would that be an admission that he's not as intellectually stalwart or clever as he's claimed, having to rely on speechwriters for his occasional jabs and attacks? Or is he mistaking them for his service records, which he was also reluctant to release?

2. Does he practice his speeches at all? Who was with him when he was practicing, and did he have difficulty with this line? If Why wasn't it changed?

3. Why did he not instinctively try to correct himself when he heard the dead silence reaction from the audience? For a man who attacks Bush constantly for not admitting his mistakes, Kerry's just demonstrated he's unwilling to admit his mistakes and correct them. In front of a live audience, no less.

4. Why was his first instinct to attack his attackers (Limbaugh, McCain, Snow) instead of saying "This is what I meant to say..." ?

5. Why did he label his attackers as right-wing nut jobs? That's the exact line from the JibJab cartoon Bush vs. Kerry... are we in the era of Flash multimedia wagging the dog?

6. Why did he broad-brush attack his attackers as people who never served in the military when John McCain was a freaking POW while John Kerry was racking up allegedly self-inflicted, non-life-threatening Purple Hearts to get himself out of the place?

Collect it all up, and it suggests that the speechwriter who penned the phrase penned it as Kerry delivered it, and then when Kerry's counterattacks failed, he was tasked with penning an alternate version for Kerry to defend himself with.

My goofball theory will gain some credence if Kerry quietly boots his speechwriter for writing the line-as-delivered speech. Or if he boots an advisor for suggesting he go on the attack before someone realized they could alter his speech-as-delivered to appear like he read it wrong.

In the end, Kerry should at least be content that his mocking sneer during the line's delivery was toned down significantly by the botox.

I've forgotten what I wrote for Dodging Reality... keys?

This should be as much of a surprise to me as it will be for you.

It's November, and this awards crap is rearing its ugly head again.

I'd like you to read this site from last year before even thinking of nominating any isfullofcrap.com site to this online blasphemy against the natural linkage-and-citation process of the Blogosphere.

I'd also like to remind you of why I consider the JIB Awards different than the Wizbang Awards.

Nardo's not fat. He's um... just... getting in his winter coat three winters in advance?

Maybe we can build him a kitty treadmill where can can chase a laser dot or a holographic lizard?

If you think this is bad...

Note to Hurricane Rita survivors: Please don't beat up the FEMA trailers, use them as meth labs or cart them off to your deer lease during hunting season.

That's assuming that they can actually read the note, thanks to the glorious substandard Louisiana educational system, but let's continue...

So far, about 1,200 have suffered so much vandalism they had to be sent to FEMA repair centers in Texas and Arkansas, Jacks said.

One trailer had more than 300 cigarette burns. Another was burned to the ground. Hundreds of others have torn cushions, broken doors, torn-up refrigerators and myriad problems.

Then there's the illegal use issue.

Some of the trailers issued to Hurricane Rita and Katrina evacuees have been used as drug labs. One Texas man trucked his to Louisiana and sold it. A few other tenants have hooked them up to vehicles and even taken their trailers to deer leases to have a place to stay while hunting.

... just imagine what the evacuees have done to the apartments and hotel rooms they continue to get subsidies for.

It's a huge surprise that Da Bears are undefeated.

Now Da Bulls are... well... um... undefeated.

Of course, half of the league starts off undefeated, but still... what's going on?

UPDATE:
Never mind. 1-1.

First off, I strongly suggest that if you're a busy person, early voting is a great way to avoid the crowds and long lines if you haven't already ordered an absentee ballot. I didn't do the "All Libertarian" protest option, but probably could have... it only took 10 minutes.

When I went to 1001 Preston yesterday at 4:45PM, no lines at all. More volunteers and pollworkers than actual voters.

No glitches, either. But if there had been, well, I wouldn't have been in a herd full of busy Downtownies grouching and bitching and smelling.

Secondly, bring a Kleenex. Just in case you want to wipe the dial and the buttons. Not that many people are voting right now.

Thirdly, if the little old lady or gentleman at the site offers to help you with anything, let them. It's fascinating to see how someone twice your age can smoothly, calmly, and politely guide you through technology.

Then, when you're faced with some jackass whining that they don't understand something equally simple, just yell JESUS MONKEYMOLESTING CHRIST, YOU'RE PATHETIC! I JUST HAD AN EIGHTY YEAR OLD GREAT-GRANDMOTHER SHOW ***ME*** HOW TO USE AN ELECTRONIC VOTING MACHINE! I SWEAR, SHE WAS SPINNING THE DIALS LIKE VANNA FREAKING WHITE! Then stand back, because you will need to resist the urge to throttle that jackass with all of your might.

The technology itself is very simple. If someone has a hard time with a dial, a button, and having to wait half a second between choices then they don't need to be voting. Just kindly walk to the shredder, drop in your registration card, and walk out the door.

Heck, leave your driver's license and keys, too. Because I really don't want anyone incapable of picking up the rudimentary task of an e-Slate out there on the roads behind the wheel.

I've got to say something about today's story that you might not have picked up on that won't be painfully obvious until I record the darned thing for the podcast...

My first thought was giving a dog chicken bones and the supernatural killer beasts they turn into when that happens.

Then, I remembered the Indian bones at the Ohio Historical Society. And some land being developed near work.

Hrm... what stops a land development deal in its tracks...

Otto knelt among the trees, looking at Mother Nature's beauty and growling with rage.

In two years, this would be a massive subdivision.

I did, too. And I first wrote the story as if he was an eco-nut trying to stop the destruction of the natural setting.

Then I changed my mind... I hate goody-goody hero figures in my stories. I want bad people doing bad things to other bad people. (This is why I like nip/tuck so much... aside from Liz and the daughter, not a truly decent person among them.)

So... he's a goody-goddy eco-nut, right?

Worst of all, Jim had beaten him out on developing it.

Wrong! He's an evil land developer!

Now we've got the situation: an evil land developer screwed out of a fortune. What's he gonna do?

The sound of Whitefeather's pickup truck arriving jarred Otto out of his rage.

Had to establish that this guy was Native American, figured one word would do. Eaglecloud was my backup name.

"Got the bones?" asked Otto.

Bones?

Whitefeather pulled out a burlap sack and tossed it on the ground.

Not only does he want to destroy this wonderful pastoral scene, but he's paying people to defile gravesites? Just for a land deal, too?

Yeah, that's low.

"Excellent," said Otto. "When they dig these up, they'll have to stop. Now all we need to do is bury them."

I was running out of words at this point, already over 100 and needing to cut down. Gotta have a snappy ending... where's the punchline...

"We?" Whitefeather tossed a shovel to Otto. "Good luck, Paleface," he said and drove off.

And there we have it, although I wanted him to toss the guy some money and then count it to show how unworthy of trust he is.

So much gets lost in the quest to keep... it... brief.

By now, I should be home, dumping out more pots and sorting out the drainage rocks.

A little a day gets the job done... there's over a dozen pots stacked up in the corner now. I've got ten or so to go before I'm done.

Dump the dirt in the bucket, brush out the post, step over the plants and walk into the corner, and put the pot on the stack for that size.

Sort out the big rocks, shake the pot, scoop out the little rocks, and then toss the dirt against the back fence to level out the area.

All the while, I've got Ziggy playing some podcast or another that I didn't think I had time for before. Usually an hour-long one like TWIT or Sundown Lounge or one of the others that I end up stopping after five minutes because I don't have the patience for them.

If I keep my hands dirty and busy, I end up listening to the whole thing.

Picking out the dirt is messy. A sifter would be nice, but it would be overkill. And when it comes to the rocks, the smaller pebble drainage rocks never quite worked out... the easy-to-pick river rocks are the ones I need to retrieve.

As for the pots that are left, a few are still occupied. There's a few jalapeno plants left that have grown up tall, but didn't produce much in the way of peppers or buds.

I could leave them to die in the near-cold of what passes for winter, or I could be responsible and empty out those pots, too.

The bell pepper that grew in the big pot's going away. That was a huge mistake... that one's getting flowers next year.

Can't dump that one out, though... we've got several of the pots with decent greenery as well as pots that acted as stands for the solar-powered lanterns.

The solar-powered lanterns don't get much sunlight during the fall and winter... they don't last too long out there if I don't collect up the batteries, zap them in the charger, and then slip them back out.

It's going to be nice out for a few weeks... almost nice enough to cook and eat outside... get some light reading done...

There will be slightly more open space without all the pots cluttering things up. Maybe we should do so many next year and just go for quality chives, cayennes, basil, rosemary and flowers?

McGuff says that he's going to do one of his segments for Technology Bytes tonight.

I thought about crashing the party, but they're still doing fundraising and I can't find a decent movie at the Anjelica to waste a few hours watching before catching the 82 to the station.

Oh, and they're having another Geek Gathering this Friday.

We'll see if I make it.

I've created a separate feed for just Elisson's 100 word stories so that if he gets a wild hair up his butt, he could feature a player on his site or something like that.

Andrew still has his feed out there in case anyone wants just his stories, too.

I should probably add a link to a PuPu player applet in the top navigation of the IFOC site. Maybe when the dead pool dies, I'll have more room up there for icons and such.

A bus was bombed by what appear to be radical Islamic attackers, raised with dreams of conquest and jihad, and the French are condemning the attackers without calling for negotiations or blaming the victims for the attack because someone's occupying someone else's land.

No. Really. This is no joke. Pick your jaw up off the floor.

Why are they condemning these bus bombers without reservations, excuses, or apology? Because the bus bombing was in France:

The firebombing of the Marseille bus raised a national cry of indignation. It was the most vicious in a series of bus burnings around the Oct. 27 anniversary of the start of fiery riots a year ago. Last year, Marseille was among the rare cities spared the violence. Sarkozy ordered two riot police companies into the city until year's end, when 180 more police will follow.

"Those who did this cannot go unpunished," a visibly angry Sarkozy said. "They must be punished with great severity. This is a barbaric act, a cowardly act ... It is a stupid act, a criminal act."

"Those who did this must account for it whatever their age."

Maybe the AP's reporter had a pair of flat batteries in their recorder when Sarkozy dove headfirst into appeasement-talk?

Let's see how things stack up...

Guatemala and Venezuela fought to a standstill, so Panama is heading for the next ballot to represent Lesser America.

PERMANENT
Russia = Hostile
United States = Occasionally Supportive
France = Hostile (Increasing as part of UNIFIL)
U.K. = Occasionally Hostile
China = Hostile

CLASS OF 2006
Congo = Hostile
Ghana = Hostile
Peru = Hosile
Qatar = Virulently Hostile
Slovakia = Hostile

CLASS OF 2007
Belgium = Occasionally Hostile
Indonesia = Virulently Hostile
Italy = Hostile (Increasing under Prodi)
South Africa = Virulently Hostile
Panana = (Hostile?)

Or am I seeing things wrong?

Blogging will be light today because I'm listening to piano music.

The piano music is from the collection of recordings that a very old childhood friend recorded and posted up on his website.

Except... well... I don't keep in touch with him. Not since I was... thirteen? Fourteen?

Does that count as a childhood friend? What's the term for someone you were friends with almost thirty years ago and then stopped being friends after that?

Anyway, I think today is Paul's birthday, so I figured I'd listen to his music. And it's not bad at all.

They had a piano in their house, and Paul played the piano. But for the life of me, I never remember hearing him play it.

I think I heard his sister play it. Maybe one of his brothers. But never him.

Imagine the Flanders Family from The Simpsons. But not obnoxiously Christian. Just confident of their faith and actually extremely polite about it.

Oh, and more of them. Not just Rod and Todd.

And a piano, too. That I never heard him playing.

Now, so many years later, thanks to technology, I can listen to him playing the piano without him knowing about it.

Sure, I can do the same with Elton John. Unless Elton John has a tap on my web browser again.

Regular blogging will resume tomorrow.

Who cares if red wine suppresses some forms of illness in fat mice...

Nardo will get 'em. He always does.

Looking at this wireless USB hub, I'm wondering if one of those combined with a Logitech Orbit MP with the 5000's advanced light and whitebalance would be a cheaper high-quality solution for a PTZ than going with another Panasonic.

My next goal is to get the iron chair skycam positioned so you can see the whole cushion and cat on the cushion instead of cutting off parts of the cushion (and the cat). I really don't like how Logitech redid the connector between the stand and the cam so it's proprietary instead of a simple 3/4" screw hole.

What if some of these resellers with domain names suggesting they're bulletproof, up 24/7, and experts were actually honest about their reseller prowess?

• Backups.WeDontNeedNoStinkinBackups.com
• OurRootPasswordIsPassword.net
• HackTheCrapOutOf.us
• UmmWhatsAnFSCK.com
• WeFirewalledOurselvesOutAgain.com
• ConstantlyThreatensToCancelButNeverDoes.org
• DisconnectedPhoneNumberAndFullMailbox.com
• JihadAllahuAckbhar.co.uk
• MyAdminJustQuitPleaseHelpMe.net
• SpammersAndPervertsCentral.com
• RebootsSolveEverything.org
• SameKernelSince2002.com

I'm sure I can come up with more, but they bring back such awful memories.

We're having Flu Shot Day here at work.

No thanks.

As for the scheme to provide free flu shots at polling places in predominantly Hispanic and Black neighborhoods here in Houston, I agree that it's inappropriate to link voting to a public health program.

Yes, it's a well-intentioned effort to provide health care services to those that are considered underserved or at risk. Sick poor people kinda suck. Especially when they're surrounding me on the bus to work and back.

But why stop there? Why stop at free flu shots and vaccinations? Why not provide blood-pressure checks and cholesterol testing and AIDS testing and hearing testing and every other medical diagnostic available?

How about food and clothing drives at polling places? Or let people drop off their used eyewear or their dud cell phones for rape-prevention?

Okay, actually, it would be more like people picking that stuff up at the polling centers, in addition to handing out government cheese... and that's more to my point.

Hell, I give up. Why not just provide handjobs from hookers, too? And methadone for those suffering from withdrawal?

I think you're seeing it now... linking a direct giveaway to the act of voting skews the turnout in the neighborhoods where you provide it. It's just as dangerous as the state providing free rides to the polling places for some people and not others. Let your voter's registration card be a free voucher for... let's say ten bucks worth of YellowCab to and from the polls.

Costs less than a professionally-delivered flu shot, right? Why not do it?

Because that situation's been covered. it's called an absentee ballot, folks. Costs nothing. They'll send one out to any old shotgun shack. If you're too lazy to get one, you're too lazy to vote. Siddown and don't be counted.

But I'm getting off the beaten track here. What I find dangerous is that Mayor White and his cronies didn't think this one through... yes, they had the best of intentions, but it still reeks of partisanship and... that's right... electioneering racism of the reverse sort.

Of course, I was all for the idea of the million dollar lottery for voters... but that's not the same as giving away flu shots or such on the spot. Everybody who votes gets to be a part of that lottery, as opposed to the limited scope of the flu shots.

The new Fresh Media Works site is up and it looks great. Now I really want to invest in a professionally-made redesign of podcast home page.

It's a little slow to load, but I'm sure they need to do some tweaks to get it broom-clean. And once that happens... vroom! Way cool.

So, when to the advertisers flood in?

I wish that the What is a podcast page didn't have all those words and just had visual representations of what a standard radio broadcast is, what a satellite broadcast is, and what a podcast is so people could quickly see the difference. Maybe some simple animations like there are in science museums... a few thick arrows... some PowerPoint figures holding devices... Nipper the Dog trying to listen to each... advantages of each, disadvantages of each.

People like simple things. Visual things. "The Cow Goes MOOOOOOOO" simplicity. Maybe I can work something up for that.

Okay, so I had three domains registered through Yahoo, and one of them came up for renewal.

Yahoo informed me it would be automatically renewed.

Say what?

Okay, so I deal with people all day who don't have their domains set to auto-renew and let them expire, then they call in or write in screaming that we let their site go down and we suck.

Uh huh. No, pal. YOU suck. YOU can't manage your domains for squat.

I don't like the idea of auto-renew for my own domains. I like to mark my calendar, watch the day approach, look around and see if there are any deals... shopping around.

Then I renew anyway.

But Yahoo going ahead and marking my stuff auto-renew when I wanted them to expire when I bought them? It would be sweet of them if I needed it, but I specifically don't. And I thought I had set it up that way when I ordered it.

To tell me such a thing, that level of presumption is arrogant and with them wanting to charge me for something I don't want or need anymore borders on the criminal. You're not going to charge me $10 because you think you're going to sneak that renewal notice into my spamfilter.

So I want to cancel this domain as well as another that I'm no longer using, so I go to Yahoo's site for managing domains to cancel them.

I click... and wait... and wait... and wait...

Page not found.

I click... and wait... and wait... and wait...

Page not found.

It took thirty goddamned minutes to bring up each domain's Cancel Services Page, then they tried to sell me more services, I had to click on Cancel again... then it asked why I wanted to cancel... then it gave me a confirmation number and something else to click on...

Goddamn it, Yahoo! When I want to cancel, you will cancel. Quit throwing roadblocks in my path. Quit giving me errors during the process because you're intentionally stalling me from cancelling.

Making it easy to sign up and making it near impossible to cancel... hrm... that's the American Way these days.

The one remaining domain I have with Yahoo is transferring to GoDaddy. They haven't screwed me with this foot-dragging bullshit.

Richard Justice unknowingly fires a shot across my bow:

Let's update our list of banned words: crap, suck, freaking. For those of you who went to lesser instituions of higher learning, try to emulate the Rice posters who use good grammar and punctuation, and never ever use dirty words.

Maybe if you stopped writing sucky crap, like suggesting that Brad Lidge ought to stay because he's a nice guy, people would stop freaking saying it.

There's nothing freaking wrong with the word crap, suckboy.

Laurence Simon
B.A. Biology, Rice '91

It is just me, or do the poll numbers showing Barack Obama's popularity reek of the same "grasping at straws" that Colin Powell's inflated poll numbers did in the nineties when he wasn't a realistic candidate, nor was he the man that the imagemakers/pollsters promoted him as?

Also, the same puff-piece barely-scratch-the-surface interviews in Time, Newsweek, and on CNN that Colin Powell got are happening again with Barack Obama.

Do you really know what's under the hood of this guy, folks? Or is this just another "buzz" phenomenon like "Snakes On A Plane" going on?

I think it's because Obama's been a pretty face spouting a lot of rhetoric without much of a track record to point out. And the track record he's got, well, maybe you should take a closer look at the "Everybody But Obama" votes in the Illinois lege and see what he really stands for.

Yes, Lincoln also came out of Springfield and DC changed him over time. But Lincoln was shaped by entirely different forces, some of which were the deeply spiritual.

Let's all wait to get to know the guy a little more before sizing him for a crown, okay?

The next time someone throws a quarterback rating figure at you to defend David Carr despite the fact that he was leading the league while the Texans were wallowing in the cellar, keep this in mind:

Carr's defenders point to his salty NFL quarterback rating, which ranked him as the 4th highest rated passer in the league going into last week's debacle against the Titans. However, the NFL's QB rating is about as misleading as batting average in baseball in terms of evaluating a player's true effectiveness. QB Score per play -- a far more accurate statistic for evaluating QB play developed by the folks over at the Wages of Wins blog -- reflects that Carr is nowhere near the top level of NFL QB's. When rushing, sacks, and fumbles are considered along with passing stats, then Carr was ranked only as the 19th best QB in the NFL going into the Titans game. Based on his disastrous game against the Titans last Sunday, Carr was ranked dead last in the NFL for the week in QB Score per play.

But but but... they have two wins under Carr, right? He's making leaps and bounds on improving his play under Kubiak, right?

Uh huh. Let's look at them thar wins:

• Houston beat Jacksonville when Leftwich was suffering from Ensberg Syndrome ("No, really I'm not as badly hurt as you think I am... I wanna play...") and... STOMP!

• Houston beat a hapless Miami Dolphins with... that's right... another crippled quarterback on the skids.

Yeah, that's so rah-rah. I'm so fired up. Better keep a wide path between me and Reliant on Sundays when they're playing at home.

Some angry striking janitors decided to take their protests up a notch and block traffic on Westheimer...

About a dozen Houston janitors have handcuffed themselves to trash cans this afternoon at a Galleria intersection to bring attention to their ongoing strike for better wages and benefits.

Well, that's going to endear them to the mean old gringos in their suits and ties... stop their Beemers and Hummers cold on the way to Sachs Fifth Avenue.

Folks here do not like waiting in traffic any longer than they're subjected to. Instead of generating sympathy, they're going to generate backlash.

Right before the election, too. Not that DeLay clone Choirboy Culbertson's got anything to worry about. *shrug*

So, why are they striking?

The union hopes the picketing will bring attention to the 5,300 Houston janitors who earn an average of $5.30 an hour, which is less than half of what janitors in other major cities ear.

Houston janitors are seeking a raise to $8.50 an hour and health care benefits.

You know, that kind of pay rate sucks. It sucks ass. If you've got a family depending on you, it totally sucks ass.

But there's something that needs to be kept in mind...

Guy from a far-distant country decides that his country's webhosting options suck, so he buys a server from us.

*zorch* Suddenly, there's a problem with the automatic provisioning system, so the solution is to manually allocate a server for him.

Minor problem - the manually-provisioned server hangs. Never mind that... they tell the guy it's ready.

He replies politely, asking what's going on... not working, etc. So they try to get that server ready for him again.

This time, the server's ready. Three cheers. Hip hip-

THUD. They put the wrong drive image on it.

Now the guy snaps back a bit... and it turns out this was a test server he was buying before buying a block of servers.

Yeah, that's a gambit some customer use to try to get their issues sped up... like a guy buying a Porsche and saying "Fix this, and I'll buy a hundred more. No, really... and give me a discount, too."

But if it's not a gambit and it's a genuine attempt to test our services, well, with all the claims of instant-on and such, we just blew that sale.

Oh well. More systems to sell out to others... if they don't blow those as well.

Did I ever tell you the story when I cut myself up on a stupid "No Blood For Oil" moonbat sculpture at Rice and put the baby in a ROTC's window as a gag, only to read in the Thresher that it was considered some kind of right-wing hate-attack on their resident lefty moonbat filmmaker-wannabe?

Well, fifteen years later, that their resident lefty moonbat filmmaker-wannabe has his movie at MFAH this weekend.

Now I've got to choose... MFAH or Technology Bytes Geek Gathering.

Although, going to a film when the filmmaker is there is a difficult thing to do. If the film turns out to be good, that's great. But if it really reeks, it's hard to quietly slip out. Or keep a pleasant face instead of a stoneface... or falling asleep... or putting in the headphones and listening to two hours of podcasts.

I remember having to slip out of a play where I was in the front row and it became increasingly difficult to keep from falling asleep or laughing out loud. The performer noticed my absence later... I had to take several Immodium AD in their presence to reinforce the story that I was unwell in the bowels.

What have you done to get out of something without making people feel too badly about your departure?

Who cares what I think about a letter carrier getting attacked by a squirrel? It's time for a new feature of TBIFOC called Ask The Cats!

Letter carriers occasionally have to deal with angry dogs or maybe even a spider's nest in a mailbox, but a mean squirrel? Barb Dougherty, a 30-year Postal Service employee, said she was attacked and bitten Monday by a squirrel while delivering mail in Oil City, about 75 miles north of Pittsburgh.

"It was a freak thing. It was traumatic," Dougherty told The Derrick in Oil City. "I saw it there on the porch, put the mail in the box and turned to walk away and it jumped on me."

The animal ran up her leg and onto her back, she said.

"I eventually got a hold of the tail and pulled it off me," Dougherty said. "No one was home at the house where I was delivering the mail, but the neighbor lady heard me screaming and came over."

What do you think about a letter carrier getting attacked by a squirrel?

Piper: I've got tons of newsletters for my fan club needing to go out tonight. The mailman had better show up soon or I'll be biting him on the ass.	Nardo: How many stamps do I need for this?
Frisky: Forget about the mail... wil lthey be delivering squirrels to chase around? Those are fun to chase.	Beezer: Hold your ID up to the peep-hole so I can see it, and maybe I'll open the door. Can't be to careful with you delivery folks!
Grace, Audace and Ruse: We see squirrels all the time, but they're outside and we're inside. Is that what they're for? Chasing mailmen?	What does your cat think?

Thank you, kittycats.

Does your cat have an opinion on the subject? Then send the following to askthecats (at) isfullofcrap.com:

• A photo of the cat or cats in JPEG format (If you've already submitted the photo, it will be in my gallery archive. Just let me know the URL of the thumbnail photo to use again)
• Their opinion, whether it pertains to the subject or not
• (optional) Your blog's URL

Today's 100 word story was not the first idea I came up with.

At first, I was thinking of O'Connor's Lottery, where a suit gets poked and everyone goes out the airlock to see who gets blown out.

Then I decided that the lotterymaster would lose his daughter one eyar, then poke everybody's suit.

Finally, I'd settled on a guy demonstrating the moonsuit and how easy it is to wear and clean. To someone that had just vomited in theirs.

Why I didn't do the barf-and-wash one and settled on the one I did end up finishing, well, I'm not sure.

The title was going to be "A Hole" and I was going to refer to Parker as an asshole, but I figured I've been profane enough on that site for a while.

Blogging will be light today.

I'm sure some goddamned local news station will try to make a Sweeps piece out of that.

Maybe they'll say blogging is light because a registered sex offender is pumping cheap gas in the schools or something.

Oh, and there's a new cure for cancer that helps you lose weight.

Regular blogging will resume tomorrow.

I woke up early so I'd have time for the kittycats. But...

Kittycat asleep! Oh noes!

Wake up, kittycat! Wake up little kittycat!

Oh noes! Red laser dot!

Get it! Get it! Get the red laser dot!

What came next cannot be photographed, posted, or mentioned ever again.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

It looks like the webcams on the border project is undergoing public testing:

The public is getting its first chance to view images from cameras installed along the Texas-Mexico border as part of a state program meant to cut down on drug activity and illegal crossings.

Images from eight border surveillance cameras were opened to the public Thursday at the Web site www.texasborderwatch.com.

The test run is a step forward for Gov. Rick Perry's "virtual border watch" program, a plan to spend $5 million placing cameras in vast stretches of remote, criminal hotspots along the border and broadcasting the images live on the Internet.

I've checked. Kinda dull.

Much more interesting to watch... gatocams!

Paw explosion!

Sneaking out from blinds!

Hutning for bugs!

Getting their breakfast!

Meowing for no freaking reason!

Damn you, Red Lobster! Your claims of Endless Shrimp are leading us down the road to extinction!

Damn you to Hell!

I'd like to take a moment to address the issue of anti-Semitism in the new Borat movie.

There's been a lot of uproar over the scene where Borat goes to a gun store and asks for a recommendation on a gun that he can use against Jews.

However, one should not limit your criticism to Borat's obsession with firearms. After all, there's far more than just bang-bang guns that are dangerous to the Tribes Of Israel...

The next Weekly Challenge for the 100 Word Stories comes to a close in 11 hours.

The topic is kinky, and there's been some good stories sent in. So do what Carol said this week and be creative.

Not that I've heard them yet, of course. I wait until the day of production to listen to them. That way, I can fake a genuine reaction to them.

• Caleb
• Dodge
• Caroline (Currently winning the previous WC)
• TA Marquette
• Cynthia
• Laieanna
• B
• Elisson
• Rahel

Nine. Not double-digits. Sadness sweeps over the land.

And Z sent in a story all the way back on Monday. He says it's based on something Jim Hightower once used in his old radio show that RealPlayer had as a selection.

Waking up early gives me lots of time for playing with Nardo's toes...

Nardo usually gives me about ten seconds to pet his tummy and scritch his chin before he goes on a fightey-bitey rampage to earn his release.

This was the only photo of him in my lap that did not come out blurry, bitey, or bloody.

I've moved them over to IMAO this week.

We'll see how the IMAO readers react. If it takes off there, it will stay there.

Not that I don't love you IFOC readers, but let's face it - there ain't enough of y'all to rub together to light a fire some days.

John O'Malley used to say "This [stuff] runs on Voodoo. Sometimes, you have to sacrifice a chicken to make it work."

(Taking a baseball bat to some cheapass EISA 10mbit network cards the vendors sent us instead of the 3com PCI 10/100s I wanted worked, too, but that's another story.)

Three issues made the rounds and wound up in my lap that should have been taken care of long before they got to me.

Hold on... four... and now five...

Some went to the wrong department before the customer went ape-shit.
Some never got solved at all.
Some were solved, but nobody told the customer.

Screw it. Where do we keep the live chickens?

Houstonkeys and I were chatting when he came up with the idea for Carnival of the Clueless Customers.

It would be a roundup of posts by tech support drones sending in links to their worst horror stories for the week.

And it could have a hub site of thecustomer.isfullofcrap.com.

Any interest?

I've added God to my buddy lists on all the major chat networks.

I haven't seen Him show up.

Yet.

I now have two containers of rocks on the patio and a huge stack of empty pots.

The pot-emptying project is done.

Of course, there's a few pots and plants left out on the patio, but aside from the two big pots that serve as solar-powered lamp bases, I don't have to dump out any more dirt and collect up rocks.

There's a lot more room out on the patio, but I hope to leave most of it uncovered in the Spring when it's time to plant again.

The more pots I fill with pepper plants, the more I eventually have to dump out... and without much success in growing peppers.

Or maybe I should focus on flowers?

The Weekly Challenge is up on the podcast feed.

Ten stories, plus the usual madness from Planet Z.

It took longer than usual to get out because Audacity 1.2.5 got weird and crashed on me, so I had to downgrade back to 1.2.4b to get the thing ready.

So check it out, vote on your favorite, and get your own story written and recorded for the next topic... leaf.

Apparently, the only reason for keeping Adam Everett in an Astros uniform wasn't good enough for the rest of the National League managers...

The Astros had a player win a Rawlings Gold Glove award for fielding excellence Friday, but it wasn't shortstop Adam Everett.

Catcher Brad Ausmus was recognized by major league coaches and managers as the top defensive player at his position in the National League, taking home his third career Gold Glove award.

He also won in 2001 and 2002.

"We were certainly very hopeful for Adam," Astros general manager Tim Purpura said. "I can't imagine anybody more deserving with the way he played this year. We're disappointed in that, but very, very happy for Brad.

"This is his third time, and he continues to play one of the toughest positions you can win a Gold Glove."

Ausmus, 37, caught more innings and started more games at catcher than anyone else in the National League this season.

He committed just two errors and had one passed ball, which tied for the lowest in the majors among regular catchers. His .998 fielding percentage led all catchers.

Well, isn't that great? He's all-around one of the best catchers in the league, right?

Well... um... not quite:

Ausmus threw just out 12 of 72 runners who attempted to steal, but Astros pitchers had a 3.80 ERA while he was behind the plate, the second lowest for a catcher in the majors.

Ausmus also led the National League catchers in rally-killing GIDPs, which helped make other teams' shortstops look good.

Lincoln, As I Recall made the cut for the Pickle Tales competition.

Chew On This, a collaboration with Andrew Ian Dodge and the Future Mrs. Dodge did not make it, despite being voiced by a far superior talent than I.

An attempt to rally the other IMAOers didn't quite get anything going, what, with FrankJ working on his book and Right Wing Duck avoiding polling places and such.

But worst of all, Will "Dumb Bomb" Ross has managed to slur our a story for this round.

That's right, Will. I'm calling you out. Apparently, he had to marshal all his brainpower to write this one, throwing out an outtakes show on Smart Bomb Radio and not turning in 100 word stories for the Weekly Challenge.

Mean, while, I'm cranking out 100 word stories, bits for Dodging Reality, a piece or two for Shire Network News, and even trying to write scripts for IMAO holiday specials.

Hold on... closing up my right hand... fingers and thumb clenched.

Why looky here... it's my Bitch Fist. Gonna hammer you like mail-order steaks, Ohama.

I'm sick of stars dancing.

I refuse to watch Dancing With The Stars

I don't dance, I don't care about dance, and I certainly don't care about stars dancing.

Okay, so maybe if Michael J. Fox were to breakdance, that might be interesting.

A bit disturbing, too.

Anyway, I wouldbe interested in watching Drunk Dancing With The Stars. Or Dancing With The Drunk Stars.

Call it "Waltzing Matilda" and have each couple do their dance, slug down a pint, and then dance again.

Repeat until there's only one couple stumbling and sliding on the vomit-covered stage.

Have Miller sponsor it. Or someone who makes actual beer.

What people should be asking right now is "Why is Saddam alive to face trial?"

With his glorious "Sacked In A Season" record, it's easy to overlook David Carr's other positive traits.

Like, for instance, his leading the league in recovering his own fumbles.

Good thing Carr has led the league in fumble recoveries a couple of times (2002 and '05; tied for the lead this season). His 12 pickups of his own drops in 2002, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, is an NFL record for recoveries of one's own fumbles. The most anyone had before then was nine.

Let us not forget what makes this stat possible:

In his four-plus seasons in the NFL, the team's first and current starting quarterback has fumbled more than any player in the league. And during that span, the Texans have won fewer games than any team in the league.

...

Carr, who has suffered more sacks than any quarterback in his time in the league (228), likes being able to tuck and run with ease when necessary. But more often, he drops his left hand for the same reason an about-to-be-knocked-out boxer does: lack of concentration.

Now that the Chron's run out of excuses for Carr, will they grasp at straws and say how nice his hair is?

Today's collective target for Shire Network News is France.

I kept things brief. Not because I was on a deadline, but because I was too lazy to look up the de Villepin and Chirac quotes demonizing Israel after Jews were bombed in buses.

I'll do full-frontal nudity for these Shire Network News things, but I will not recite Chirac and de Villepin.

He once said "There is no Kurdish issue in Turkey, just a PKK problem"

Now, he's no longer a problem for the Kurds.

Carnival of the Cats #137 goes to the land Down Under and gets all crazy with the Crazy Meezer. Lots of Meezer noses, Meezer toeses, and all the links that the Meezer choses.

So who is the Catmodel of the week this week?

Zoe always wakes up Quite Early One Morning.

My wife and I went grocery shopping for panini press sandwich fixins, but I was the one who ended up making sandwiches...

I went with a combination of ham, gouda, sliced red pepper, basil, and pineapple. The bread is my world-famous Shiner Beck Cheddar bread.

The instructions suggest brushing the bread with olive oil, so I did.

Excellent!

I also did turkey, muenster, red pepper, and yellow onion on sourdough. Sadly, the fixins kept sliding around. Maybe I crushed it down too hard.

Cleaning the thing is kind of a chore, but we'll find a thick and soft sponge that can get in the crevices without much of a hassle I hope.

My wife got some avocados and brie and the sourdough for her own sandwiches. We'll see when she gets around to making some.

Supplies of Helium are... um... light?

The Houston 1836 won today and will go to the MLS Cup.

I'm sure we'll be getting a cock-and-bull story from Oliver Luck about needing a new stadium to reward the MLS Champion Dynamo.

Round 1A of Pickle Tales is up, and my story "Lincoln, As I Recall" is there for your general amusement.

So are several other stories, and I'd like you to listen to them all before making your choice which one is the best of this round.

I have the script for "Lincoln, As I Recall..." somewhere if you'd like it, but you'll eventually see it again as the Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln Chapters 93 through 99.

Thanks to Podcast Pickle for hosting it and the creators and judges for moving the idea forward.

Many thanks to everyone who participates in the 100 Word Stories site and Weekly Challenge every week (or close to it). Including my old nemesis, Planet Z, who may be revealing his identity soon.

Also thanks to Andrew Ian Dodge for teaming up with me on another piece. We'll make it in the next competition as a team.

Thanks for a continent to despoil and poison.

Also thanks to the IMAO crew, who couldn't come up with anything because FrankJ's busy finishing up his book. But it's gonna be one fine book, folks, and maybe he'll finish in time for concentrating on holiday-themed IMAO podcasts. (I've got a Kwanza Special in the works)

Then there's the Shire Network News folks, who challenge me to write something topical and relevant every now and then.

Dave of Israellycool may have cooled down a bit in recent weeks, but calling his Kool Hotline with goofy questions now and then has always been amusing.

And so many more...

Okay, I've listened to them all. I stand by my earlier statement, although I should clarify it: mine is clearly the best of the six.

As for what the judges said, well, as Spinal Tap revealed - there's a fine line between clever and stupid. If you think taking 8 or 9 famous Lincoln quotes and easy gags and blending them up into a single narrative, okay.

Leland's trashing the piece as "dry humor" is no less than a badge of honor. Yes, it's chock full of puns and quotes and twists, but I refined it over and over to keep it from getting confusing and tangled like the sci-fi piece turned out there.

I'll leave it to others to shout "nekultuny!" because only a fool ranks out the judges in the middle of a contest. (Heh indeed.)

Dry humor. Subtlety. High-detail. I like movies and shows you have to watch multiple times to catch the details: Memento, David Lynch films, Airplane/Abrahams-Zucker stuff. To have captured that, well, that's actually a compliment in my book.

Yeah, I should have left the crystals bit out. But I really wanted to stick in the "refund" gag. And my alternative was another unpublished Wacky Adventure where the boarding house ends up stuffed to the walls with gawkers that didn't have any gags.

I should have used "Now he belongs to the ages" in there. But at least it's used in Chapter 98 prominently.