Apparently, it's not okay to accidentally knock a Koran into a toilet or bump it off a shelf, but it's okay for someone to carry one when they blow themselves up or to wave it around while slitting someone's throat.
This is awfully confusing for a simple-minded Westerner such as myself. My mind reels with the complexity of Islamic logic, and I am shamed by my inability to comprehend such an obviously superior system of thought.
I must not be truly civilized or something. I have been raised a barbarian and a cur.
Since I cannot comprehend the mechanism and philosophy behind such thinking, my puny mind must learn by example. Perhaps, with a list, I can finally see a pattern and possibly discover the deeper meaning that my frame of reference currently unjustly perceives as hypocrisy. So, I'm compiling a list of things that I am not allowed to do with a Koran.
This is the list I have so far:
- Rip out pages, set on fire, and use to light the coals in my BBQ.
- Roll into a tube to masturbate a female elephant to aid in conception.
- Prop up the short leg of a wobbly pool table.
- Write down inexpensive 1-900 phone sex service numbers for visiting tourists.
- Blotting bacon while it's cooking in the microwave.
- Paper airplanes (unless you throw them so they crash into office buildings).
- Emergency toilet paper when I'm out in the woods hunting squirrels with a slingshot.
- Wrapping fish that I've bought at the local grocery store.
- A coaster, because I can get a little tipsy when I've finished a bottle of Manischewitz.
- Stuff into the mouth of a prisoner to suppress his moans of delight as you slide a glowstick in his ass.
- Slapping a rabid dog to prevent a child from being mauled.
However, I still don't understand the logic, so I'm going to need more examples.
Please provide them in the comments so I can expand my simple, tiny-brained horizons and better understand that which the book's adherents find offensive and that which they find perfectly acceptable.
Comments (6)
Other things you can't do to a Koran:
Posted by Lionstone | June 1, 2005 4:57 PM
Posted on June 1, 2005 16:57
-roll up pages, use as emergency tampon applicator
-kindeling to start a barbeque...maybe some nice pork ribs
-rolled up into very tight tubes, add laser guidance head...instant laser guided pointy stick.
-doorjamb
-kleenex replacement
-won't stop vampires, but if lit on fire will keep frankenstein monster at bay
Posted by Joe | June 1, 2005 5:11 PM
Posted on June 1, 2005 17:11
Had a nice run of suggestions but it was denied for "questionable content" Not sure which part was objectionable though, gotta run. will sort it out later.
Posted by rorschach | June 1, 2005 6:31 PM
Posted on June 1, 2005 18:31
lemme try this again now that I'm back from my errand.
Things you should not do with a certain islamic holy book:
You should not use the pages of a certain islamic holy book to roll a joint. The ink ruins the taste, and the smoke may cause cancer.
You should not use the pages of a certain islamic holy book as a cheap dietary fiber supplement (same reason).
You should not use the pages of a certain islamic holy book as emergency toilet paper substitute. It is far too rough and will lead to a very painful anus. Besides, it is not terribly "absorbent" since it is already saturated with shiite.
You should not use the pages of a certain islamic holy book to wrap fish in. It is an insult to dead fish everywhere (besides, it may cause the fish to be unsanitary, all that shiite you know....) Besides, what would you do with the Houston Comical?
You should not use the pages of a certain islamic holy book as a prophylactic, it is too porous to prevent bodily fluid transfer, it is too rough and will cause extreme discomfort for your partner, is too thick to give adequate stimulation to you, and may lead to a nasty bacterial infection for you partner (shiite again...)
That is all the anti-islamic vitriol I can muster at the moment.
Posted by rorschach | June 1, 2005 7:22 PM
Posted on June 1, 2005 19:22
You can't use pages of a certain "non western" holy book to:
Make little paper balls that your cat could play fetch with.
Make spitballs.
Make a sail for a toy boat.
Make a paper "Lei"
Make weird looking orgami animals.
Make a faux boomerang.
Posted by annoying little twerp | June 1, 2005 7:41 PM
Posted on June 1, 2005 19:41
My favorite so far is: Make a paper "Lei"
Posted by Laurence Simon | June 2, 2005 9:41 AM
Posted on June 2, 2005 09:41