This Blog Is Full Of Crap

I checked the radar last night and there was a huge boiling glob of yellow and red rolling over Abilene, heading this way.

I checked again this morning, and its on the verge of rolling over the city. Most of the red and yellow is to the south and west of us, but that won't stop the merchants of panic and fear from hyping up a disaster of biblical proportions within the city.

Bring an umbrella for the rain and hip-waders for the news.

Wonderful. Nobody can drive in this stuff. I-45 will be packed like Starr Jones' bowels.

It's not that I want to get in quickly. I just don't like sitting in a car with herky-jerky traffic, making me sick from RTW darting from lane to lane thinking a pebble can outsmart the avalanche it is in.

I fire up the catcams. One updates at 7 seconds, the other at 17, and the last at 27. Didn't even have to change the settings.

A good omen?

If you're looking for another angle for camera #4, here's a shot from last night while Edloe took her fiftieth nap of the day...

Looks like someone needs a butt-shaving.

Every so often, she'd wake up, look around, bat the ball in the track around or sniff the catnip on the scratchpad.

Or yell at Nardo as he saunters in through the door.

The living room isn't the only place that Edloe zonks out and capsizes, of course...

Edloe's on 3, Nardo's on 4, Piper's on 1, and Frisky's AWOL.

I'm sure there will be some interesting shots today in the gallery. Maybe today's the day I finally make an Edloemovie of her capsizing and snoozing.

Deskmerc is getting a wisdom tooth pulled on Friday.

This doesn't make sense. Why ruin a weekend in torpor and a dull agony when one can just knock out a few weekdays to recover in time for the weekend?

Oh, right. We don't get sick time.

Apparently, this is the third wisdom tooth to go. Why not get them all pulled and get it over with?

Oh, right. We don't get paid squat.

You could probably break a bone and have to get it x-rayed on the first paycheck, set on the next paycheck, and then a cast put on it with a third.

Forget John Paul II. Fast-track the Generous And Benevelent Owner for sainthood.

I slog through the queue this morning. Someone in Poland is extremely anxious about their server being incredibly slow.

I do a few traceroutes from around the globe. It's Poland that's slow.

In more ways than one, I imagine.

I hate it when a nice new site has squeaky-clean BlogAd bars. It just makes you forget your own abject poverty for a moment and want to reach out and hug them, tell them it's going to get better.

Knavery and flattery are blood relations. -Abraham Lincoln

I think I'll toss two Honest Abes at Conservative Grapevine while the going's cheap so Hawk can have a burger, fries, and something off of the wine list.

I wonder if there's a liberal grapevine.

Nah. Just sour grapes and a few catepillars that act as velcro to stupid.

Volume 2 begins, and Redsugar Muse has joined the 100 Words Gang

Lovely. Another person who will make me look like crap in comparison.

Cool!

I told you I'd post a Mustard Man story, but I lied. Here's some more Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln, where I take a famous quote of Abe's and twist it around.

"Four score and seven years ago," mumbled Abraham.

He stopped.

"Ago... or... from now?" he said.

What would the World of 1950 be like?

He imagined railroads everywhere, coal-fired behemoths racing fast as a gazelles from town to town. Massive steamboats plying the ocean waters. Maybe hot-air balloons for every man, woman, and child to float around, narrowly grazing the world-wide web of telegraph wires.

And chess machines! Turkish dwarves stuffed in simulacra to play at any time!

Abe liked the World of 1950.

Too bad that he had to kick some more ass in 1863 to make it happen.

I'll be posting the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln on the podcast at some point.

Yes, the sound quality is terrible and the filesizes are ridiculously large for spoken material. I'll play with the compression a bit and come up with nice, compact little files that people can quickly download, listen to, and delete.

KISSIMMEE, FL (IFOC) - Doctors fully separated the fused legs of a theme park employee known as Disney World's "Little Mermaid" early Wednesday, calling the intricate procedure a "resounding success."

"We were going to use scissors for the costume, but in the end we settled on a razor in a boxcutter handle," said Kissimmee General Hospital's Chief Surgeon H. Pierce McIntyre. "With a few minutes of therapy, we believe that the patient should be able to walk again and live a happy, normal life."

The "Little Mermaid" herself could not be reached for comment, although witnesses said that she was grateful for her rescuers, and "really needed to pee."

Straight from the Ask a Stupid Question factory...

The calendar has hit June 1. Is it time to pull the plug on the Astros?

"Absolutely not," said Astros owner Drayton McLane. "Remember last year everybody wanted to bury us at the All-Star break? We made one change. We changed our manager and brought in Phil Garner. That gave a lift to the team."

What's Drayton supposed to say?

I figure that if you jabbed him with a needle full of truth serum, you might get:

Yes, we suck. I lost a great general manager, pissed away Beltran and Kent, starved my farm system so we would up with this batch of reject kids, gave Bagwell everything he wanted so that we'd be screwed when his well-known crippling injury finished him off, and I'm going to raise beer prices by a buck.

If I were a Johnny Q. Sixpack, I'd tell myself don't bother fighting the traffic and the hassle of finding a parking space, and just go home and spend some quality time with your families. Watch on television, save yourself the hassle. But then, what do I care, 'cause revenue at the park is just chump change compared to all the endorsements and contracts we've got along with this dirt cheap ballpark you fools gave me.

Sounds about right to me.

And to think, we could have gotten an NHL franchise.

Dear Yasser,

Love,
K.

Tucker Carlson joins the ranks of trying to denigrate bloggers solely based on perceived wardrobe choice:

Carlson joined MSNBC in February from CNN, where he was a longtime conservative cohost, with Robert Novak, of Crossfire. His weekly PBS Unfiltered ends its one-year run this month.

Tucker's Situation panel will include journalists, a term "that's a little harder to define than it used to be," he says.

"There are people who aren't journalists who commit journalism from time to time - bloggers - but I'm more comfortable with people who work for significant news organizations.

"They have a bigger incentive to get things right." Lately, however, "we've seen a lot of them get things wrong, and people sitting at home in their undershirts get it right."

Undershirts?

First pajamas, now undershirts?

What next? Abayas like they do in Saudi Arabia? Mickey Mouse ears like they do at ABC? Thongs like they do at MTV? Nothing but suds and "falafels" like they do at Fox News?

I suppose we all have to wear bowties now, like... like...

Mo Rocca.

"Survivor: Hoth"

and

"Survivor: Hoth"

Is there an echo in here?

So this guy gets dinged for spamming and his server gets a warning. A tech talks him through how to tighten things up, is told that the source of the spam is an infection from his own private network using the server as some kind of relay, and he's given a final chance.

Any more reports of spamming, he gets yanked permanently.

They always say "I understand" or "Yes" or "Righty-o."

All is well.

Not a day goes by, and there's over a dozen reports of spam from the server.

He gets locked out, the server yanked, and the account cancelled.

Have a nice day.

This sets the guy off. He fills up chat sessions, sends out angry emails, calls repeatedly... says he's losing tens of thousands of dollars, knows the owner, etc.

Why is it that when people say they know the owner, they don't call them directory? In fact, if they know the owner, why do they ask for his direct phone number or demand to be transfered to them?

Even the most simple child could tell you that if they really knew the owner, they wouldn't need to do that.

Still, they try.

Who cares what I think about Glenn Reynolds trying to get rid of his cats because his daughter and his wife are allergic. It's time for a new feature of TBIFOC called Ask The Cats!

What do you think about Glenn Reynolds trying to get rid of his cats because his daughter and his wife are allergic?

Edloe: I guess it's true about men doing unspeakable acts just to keep a woman. But trying to keep two is madness. Don't they fight when they're in heat?	Nardo: That's why God invented allergy pills. If they don't want to take them, just lie and tell the women they're birth control pills or diet pills. Western female humans are shameful that way.
Frisky: I guess cats are just too smart to let you stick them in the blender like you did with all the puppies! Murderer! Murderer!	Piper: You know, my Daddy got rid of a woman just to keep me. I love my Daddy for that. And he got rid of another one to keep Nardo. I hate my Daddy for that.

Thank you, kittycats.

If you have a question you want to ask the cats, just ask the cats at askthecats (at) isfullofcrap.com.

Apparently, it's not okay to accidentally knock a Koran into a toilet or bump it off a shelf, but it's okay for someone to carry one when they blow themselves up or to wave it around while slitting someone's throat.

This is awfully confusing for a simple-minded Westerner such as myself. My mind reels with the complexity of Islamic logic, and I am shamed by my inability to comprehend such an obviously superior system of thought.

I must not be truly civilized or something. I have been raised a barbarian and a cur.

Since I cannot comprehend the mechanism and philosophy behind such thinking, my puny mind must learn by example. Perhaps, with a list, I can finally see a pattern and possibly discover the deeper meaning that my frame of reference currently unjustly perceives as hypocrisy. So, I'm compiling a list of things that I am not allowed to do with a Koran.

This is the list I have so far:

• Rip out pages, set on fire, and use to light the coals in my BBQ.

• Roll into a tube to masturbate a female elephant to aid in conception.

• Prop up the short leg of a wobbly pool table.

• Write down inexpensive 1-900 phone sex service numbers for visiting tourists.

• Blotting bacon while it's cooking in the microwave.

• Paper airplanes (unless you throw them so they crash into office buildings).

• Emergency toilet paper when I'm out in the woods hunting squirrels with a slingshot.

• Wrapping fish that I've bought at the local grocery store.

• A coaster, because I can get a little tipsy when I've finished a bottle of Manischewitz.

• Stuff into the mouth of a prisoner to suppress his moans of delight as you slide a glowstick in his ass.

• Slapping a rabid dog to prevent a child from being mauled.

However, I still don't understand the logic, so I'm going to need more examples.

Please provide them in the comments so I can expand my simple, tiny-brained horizons and better understand that which the book's adherents find offensive and that which they find perfectly acceptable.

Mahmoud Abbas said that he thought that the era of suicide bombing was over.

Wrong:

The Shin Bet security service, Israel Defense Forces, and Jerusalem District police thwarted a double suicide bombing in recent days that Islamic Jihad planned to carry out in the capital on Thursday.

The attack was to have taken place in Jerusalem's Ramot neighborhood, in a bus, cafe, or synagogue.

Five Islamic Jihad militants were detained in the vicinity of the West Bank cities of Ramallah and Bethlehem; two explosive devices that were to have been used in the attack were found. The two men who were to have blown themselves up have not yet been arrested.

I'm sure that Abbas would have denounced the explosions as not being constructive towards the peace process, a totally understandable expression of the frustration of the PLO's national aspirations, an individual act of revenge that had nothing to do with the institutional positions, etc.

How much room do they have in that parking lot where they planted Arafat? Did they leave room for plenty of expansion?

Abbas just went to a hospital in Jordan for a "routine" checkup.

Yeah, and the doctors visiting Arafat over and over were just checking up on the moribund old terrorist.

Sic semper vermin, folks.

With all the Random Catblogger Thoughts, I guess I need to update the old bingo card...

Kiss the Debunking Pop Culture Myths goodbye? Poll?

I also need to fix the Top Ten List and change it to a Top Nine List. Maybe he lost a finger or something in the Cola Wars. Or he doesn't count the one he's counting the others with.

Any other changes? It's been a while since I've gone there, what, with all the cats and all.

(Skin as thin as the wire in a cheese-slicer!)

They handed out coupon books today.

Lots and lots of coupons.

There was some kind of announcement earlier this year for a fitness program seminar kind of thing for younger employees.

No workout room, but a workout seminar.

And they follow it up with a coupon book full of buy-one-get-one-free coupons for greaseball fast food joints around town.

Nice touch.

Two pages of drycleaning coupons. Because everybody walks around in a suit and tie, I imagine.

Half price tickets to Texas Rangers games. At Arlington. How the hell is this a local offer? And didn't the owner pay a shitload of money to get his company name up at Minutemaid? Fuck that shit! Screw this!

I think I'll give this to the wife to give to her engineers. It sickens me to look at the thing.

ATLANTA (IFOC) - Inspired by their former owner Ted Turner's comments, CNN proposed a radical policy change for its coverage of news stories.

"We're well aware of the perception that we're chasing the 'Pervert of the Day' like Mr. Turner says," said Executive VP Susan Grant. "Therefore, we are shifting our coverage of perversion to a dedicated 'Pervert CNN' channel for 24/7 coverage that should free up CNN and CNN Headline News for other news coverage."

Sources within CNN and Time Warner said that the ordinarily difficult process of getting cable companies to include a new channel in its lineup shouldn't be too difficult for CNN. "We are the cable company," said one executive. "It's not like we're Disney, begging the competition to carry its new goofball offerings or bitching about how much ESPN is getting per subscriber."

The 'Pervert CNN' channel will launch on July 1 with a marathon session of 'Interviews With Jane Fonda' highlighting the sections about her former husband's sexual fetishes.

My wife's a huge Eagles fan, so she got off work a smidgeon early to catch ther whole concert on NBC.

Biggest shocker was Joe Walsh, sounding like Jamie Gumm from Silence of the Lambs. Who would have ever imagined Joe "Life's Been Good To Me So Far" Walsh would preach the mantra of Alcoholics Anonymous in a song?

Getting ready in the mornings can be amusing with four cats.

Frisky reminds me to check the food bowl every morning to make sure nobody's barfed in it.

Piper usually guards my wife's feet until I set down to check mail. Then she hops in the rocking chair for the day-long grooming session.

Nardo and Edloe usually have some kind of confrontation...

Edloe was sitting up in the chair, meowing at me, so I snapped a few pictures of her. She decided to flop down like a normal cat, and Nardo just couldn't resist walking by for a quick scritch.

Edloe's usually at my feet or following me demanding a treat or a deep carpet-pile kitty massage for the morning.

Sure enough, right after these photos were taken, she dropped to the floor, flumped on her side, and purred like a meatgrinder.

I guess if RTW is going to be a few more minutes off, everybody gets treats.

Another day, another 100-word story up at 100 Words Or Les Nessman, now fortified with 100% of your daily Tanya needs.

Since I can't just write 100 words, here's another 100 words for your enjoyment and ridicule.

Yeah, I know there's a few of you out there just crying out for Mustard Man. Sorry. Abe's got the podium. You get more Slightly Dishonest Abe for a bit.

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" asked Abraham.

The crowd laughed, and Abraham took the opportunity to scurry back to his private quarters.

"Let me out!" shouted a familiar voice from the desk drawer. "Let me out of here, you ugly bastard!"

"Never!" shouted Abraham back. "I will not unleash your evil upon the
world ever again!"

"Evil?" said the voice. "But isn't war always a bad thing? Sure, millions must remain slaves to avoid confrontation, mind you..."

Later that night, Abe encased his beautiful face in concrete and sunk it in the White House well.

Remember, I'm actually reading this crap aloud and posting it to the official IFOC Podcast. I figure if I'm going to get another gigabyte of storage with unlimited traffic for freee, I might as well exploit the living crap out of it.

I'll also be using that space to host kittymovie clips. Stay tuned, Crapfans.

I'd like to escalate the sentiment behind the petition being circulated by onlinecoalition.com.

My Second Amendment rights are there to protect my First Amendment rights from the unelected few that would do away with them.

Your choice, FEC.

With Anne out, Rahel's doing an excellent job of babysitting me while I watch the catcams...

Nardo's already taken the robin... now he's pondering his next victim.

By the way, I'm on AIM as filethirteen and Yahoo! as f1leth1rteen in case you want to live-comment on the daily games of Toy Takeaway, Piper's grooming habits, Edloe's capsizing, or the ever-so-rare Four For Four.

More cat antics for your amusement in today's gallery.

Saw a thread called "Houston's ratings race" at tvspy.com's watercooler forums. Doing a spreadsheet of posting times, pondering.

My guess on KillerPhotog: Photogs don't give a rat's ass about numbers. They'd bitch about equipment, crappy schedules, wackos on the assignments desk, last-minute changes to liveshots, having to occasionally run a truck when the engineers are injured or unavailable, and the cutbacks in overtime. Phil was a great still photographer years ago, but Phil's always been too busy to waste time with this garbage. Bragg doesn't know the numbers. Darsky's had a rough time of it recently, but it could be a news outsider like Holson. However, I never thought Holson a grouch.

LONDON (IFOC) - After calling the Guantanamo detainment center as a "gulag" and the Abu Ghraib prisoner torture scandal as barbaric, human rights group Amnesty International denounced itself today as a violator of human rights around the world.

"Based on our double-standard with regards to screaming loudest about the problems within free countries while remaining relatively silent on the abuses by totalitarian regimes, Amnesty International has become a tool for dictators to conceal their own violations behind," said Amnesty International Secretary General Irene Zubaida Khan. "By turning the spotlight on minor violations among free, democratic countries we're allowing others such as North Korea and the Sudan to continue gross abuses unhindered."

Khan explained the double-standard as one of fear "If I were to show up in Pakistan or Saudi Arabia with a laundry list of complaints, either I'd be dowsed with gasoline and lit on fire or beheaded i nthe public square," said Khan. "In America and England, I'm lauded by the media and allowed to speak at gatherings across the country. Heck, I'm already getting a state erected of me in London's Bethnal Green neighborhood."

Khan promised to work on the atmopshere generated by Amnesty International. "However, it's all Bush's fault. He's the new Hitler, you know."

Today's Challenge: Come up with a website that would want an .xxx domain that isn't a porn site.

NEW YORK (IFOC) - Air America is on the air, and they're ready to sell it to you, too.

"I need air, you need air, we all need air," said Air America host Randi Rhodes. "The more air you buy from us, the less air there will be for George Bush and Dick Cheney's Haliburton cronies to take away from you when they privatize the atmosphere of fear."

In addition to selling thongs, T-shirts, mugs, and frisbees with the struggling radio network's logo, the network is selling balloons with official Air America air for a dollar per cubic foot.

"We'll even throw in the balloon for free," said comedian Al Franken through his unusually long nosehairs. "And when you're done enjoying our air, you can hand the balloon to a highschooler to use as a condom."

Not everyone was as optimistic about the new marketing scheme by the overtly liberal institution.

"Now that George Soros is looking at buying the Washington Nationals with the money he usually sends them, they're kinda under the gun for developing revenue streams of their own," said former Air America executive Lizz Winstead. "This is just an act of desperation. In the end, they're all just full of hot air waiting for the bubble to burst."

The fact that someone admits going to a Gallagher concert is justification enough for them to be slapped.

The fact that Gallagher did the slapping himself creates the irony.

I can't believe I haven't mentioned this before...

If you're looking for an open fever swamp full of MSM liberal moonbats, go to tvspy.com and check out "The Sandbox" forums/watercooler.

The next time someone tries to tell you that there's any kind of conservative dominance of the broadcasting industry, just point them there. The rank-and-file that shriek the loudest are overwhelmingly flaming, bleeding-heart, and downright delusionally liberal.

When any kind of moderate or conservative speaks out, it doesn't take long for a flag-burning bomb-thrower to home in on the target.

Larry Booth was the Calculus teacher at Academy. He taught Pre-Calc, Calculus AB (aka "JV Calculus") and Calculus BC (aka "Varsity Calculus").

He used the phrase "hitting a flea over the head with a slesgehammer" to describe the use of advanced solution methods for simple problems.

I noticed someone asking about podcasting on the MT Foums. So I privately messaged them what I've learned in my day and a half of experience.

And I let them know that my method was a kludge and a very large sledgehammer for a very small flea, wielded by an inexperienced maniac.

I'm sure there's an easier way to work IFOC Podcast up as well as integrate it into the stories I post as 100WOLN. I've already decided that I chould eliminate the "http://bingo.isfullofcrap.com/" from the entry field and add that in within the various templates.

Problem is, that restricts my ability to showcase podcasts from elsewhere.

Oh well.

Time to play with MT-Enclosure.

Okay, I'll admit. Whenever I see Edloe completely conked out on the camera and not movie, I think "Is that cat dead?"

It's a bit more disturbing when Deskmerc messages me with the news.

Oh no. Totally gone. Time to get out "100 Uses For A Dead Cat" and...

Never mind. Foot moved.

And don't let Piper sneak by Nardo, either!

These two have been together for about seven years. They don't quite get along, but they don't constantly fight, either. Both have their Daddy in common, and they vie for my affections while trying not to get too close to the other.

Nardo usually gives Piper a wide berth, because she's the one most likely to lash out.

Barry has Carnival of the Cats #63 this weekend. Be sure to send your entries to cats (at) isfullofcrap.com or the other methods he lists in that post.

CHICAGO (IFOC) - In a court-ordered filing with the City of Cicago, Wachovia Bank declared that it was finally ready to comply with slavery-trade profit regulations.

"We regret to inform the public that as of 2003 we still held more than ninety head of Negroes as collateral," said Chairman and CEO Ken Thompson. "We are deeply saddened that we had not managed to release those slaves before now, but we hope that by freeing them now we can bring this sad chapter in our company's history and nation's history to a close."

Many of the freed slaves were jubilant at their release, although most prefered to remain employed at Wachovia Bank. "Despite our lack of freedom, we actually have had some challenging and productive jobs here," said Rufus Jefferson Washington III. "I myself figure it will be easier to run weekly actuarial tables now that they've taken the iron chains off of my legs and they'll teach me how to read."

My latest effort on 100 Words Or Les Nessman was inspired by someone I knew in college. I've always wondered if he went the gastric bypass route in the past decade or two.

The man did write some darned good stories, though.

Anyway, let's have some fun with the Wacky Adventures of... that's right...

"My home is a what?" yelled General Lee.

"A cemetery, sir," said the messenger.

"This means war!" shouted Lee. He then looked in the mirror.

"Wait. Hold on. I'm already at war. Damn you, Lincoln!"

Lee sent a squadron of Confederate spies to the backwoods of Kentucky. They found the log cabin, and Lee had it rendered into toothpicks.

"Excellent party, Miss Scarlett," said Rhett Butler. "These cocktail
weenies are most excellent."

"It's the quality toothpick spears that make them good," said Scarlett O'Hara. "Lincoln's finest."

Both laughed until they smelled the smoke.

Sure enough, General Sherman crashed the party.

Anyway, you can find this story on the podcast along with the first five episodes of the Mustard Man Chronicles.

I promise to post more Mustard Man in the coming days. However, I'm having too much fun with Somewhat Dishonest Abe.

By the way, if you go to 100 Words Or Les Nessman and see an iPod icon, that's a link to a podcast of the story. Any stories I haven't recorded a postcast for obviously don't have the icons.

Yet.

Are you bored? Going nowhere? Unqualified for the new and exciting careers available today?

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Then you need to enroll in Frisky University's many helpful courses. And they're all taught by the wise and brilliant Professor Frisky!

"I'll teach you the skills and secrets you need to get an exciting and challenging career that will make you the envy of all other cats!"

Let's ask some of Professor Frisky's students how their degree from Frisky University has helped them in their lives.

"I took Professor Frisky's class on Basic Computing and now I've got a job as a laptop repair technician. Thank you, Professor Frisky!"

"Professor Frisky's course on gardening helped me become a professonal gardener. Just look at these plants! Aren't they beautiful?"

"I never thought I could become a professonal chef. But with Professor Frisky's help, I'm doing just that!"

And there's many, many more classes and courses you can take to become a professional cat in an exciting and challenging career.

(Is this thing on... what? Oh!)

"Frisky University is your ticket to success. All you have to to do reach out and grab it is pick up the phone and enroll today. What have you got to lose?"

So don't hesitate. Enroll in Frisky University today!

"I guarantee you that you'll be a successful professional cat, or you'll get your money back."

No other online cat university offers such a money-back guarantee like this.

Enroll today!

Dear Yasser,

Love,
K.

A quote from Gunga Dan Rather:

"I'm not a victim of anything except my own shortcomings. It didn't feel terrific. There certainly were days when I felt I was rode hard and put to bed wet," Rather told CNN's Larry King on Thursday night.

So in the end, he's saying he's a victim of his own shortcomings.

Which is a way of saying it's his own damned fault, but he'll never say it that way. Liberals never say it's their fault when they can somehow spin the situation so they're a victim of something.

Another Larry Booth quote... "The Big V!"

That's when you end up with Y = (variable) times absolute value of X. You end up with a big V.

These days, The Big V stands for VICTIM.

And here's another V... VIDEO! (thanks, Ian)

Production doesn't always lead to consumption, as is the case with any man working in a tampon factory, but it appears that making your own podcast seems to lead to exploring the podcasts of others.

Now that I've gotten into listening to podcasts, I need to build up my collection so I don't have to rely on the dull assortment of CDs I bring with me every morning.

What informative, humorous, or bizarre podcasts do you enjoy?

YORBA LINDA, CA (IFOC) - Former President Richard Nixon remains silent after W. Mark Felt confesses to being "Deep Throat" in latest issue of Vanity Fair.

Let's check up on the Lastros/Disastros/Suck Asstros, shall we?

20-32 gives them the fourth-worst record in the league. After owning the worst record on the road for a while, they've come up a bit... to third-worst. Way to go, boys!

After being Oswalt's personal non-hitting caddy for a while, Raul Chavez is gone. Humberto Quintero gets his chance to be booted back to the minors.

Freaky Zeke Astacio, who was hyped up as having excellent pitching despite a bad record, sucked ass so badly that he's pretty much ended his major league career with an ERA over 10. See you later, Freaky Zeke.

José Vizcaíno thought about hanging up his spikes when his son broke his leg. Noooooooooooooooooooo!

Berkamn's learning to hit again. Never mind that Mike Lamb, Willy Taveras, and Jason Lane have forgotten.

Chad Qualls is well-rested and ready to blow another save in this new series.

Todd Self has cooled off since taking a flying start from the minors. Welcome to The Killer Z's, Todd.... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.

Lots of talk about Roger heading to Texas. Oh boy. Heard this all before... when it was all about Nolan Ryan.

Tonight begins a series against divison-leader St. Louis. Get out your brooms, because I'm predicting sweep.

And remember... when Bush-41 is behind the backstop, it's a Federal Disaster Area.

ORANJESTAD, ARUBA (IFOC) - In light of the recent disappearance of an American teenager, Aruba's government revealed their new "Bring A Friend" advertising campaign today.

"Why keep all of the fun and sun of Aruba to yourself?" asks Minister of Tourism Edison Briesen in the new 30-second television spots. "Bring a friend and share that experience with them!"

Aruba has suffered a recent downturn in publicity as a result of the disappearance of Alabama native Natalee Holloway, who went to the island to celebrate recently graduating from high school.

When asked if this was just an attempt to conceal the dangers of visiting Aruba alone and an underhanded method of implementing a "Buddy System" for tourists, Minister Briesen strongly denied the charges. "I don't see any of you from the media coming here alone," he said. "You've come here in twos and threes yourselves. And so have the Dutch and American investigators who are combing the island for Miss Holloway's body. More tourists means more revenue, right?"

"Besides, how hard can it be to find an Alabama high school graduate?" said Briesen. "What are there... two or three every year?"

Tim Kazurinsky was a rather forgettable little man who was a regular on Saturday Night Live during some really bad years. Not as bad as, say, Brad Hall and Julia Louis-Dreyfus were, but bad.

Anyway, he had some good moments, especially when on the SNL News desk doing his nerd character listing a bunch of words with the same ending.

Let's try that with the Astros, shall we?

When the game is a total disaster, they are the...
The Disastros

Based on their standing in the division, they could be called...
Dead Lastros

In fact, they truly...
Suck Asstros

And could be grilled up and served like a...
Chilean Sea Basstros

Why bother mowing the...
Grasstros

They truly are...
Going Nowhere Fastros

And the busees full of fans are...
Out Of Gastros

Because by whining about Beltran and Kent, Purpura was...
Living In The Pastros

The fans are leaving...
En Masse-tros

The fact that they can't just vanish completely is due to the...
Law of Conservation of Masstros

The look on Zeke Astacio's face was...
Completely Aghastros

Roger Clemens'losses are due to a lack of run support, easily beaten by a...
Solo Blastros

Perhaps a few should go to church and pray under the...
Stained Glasstros

And it all could be summed up in a cartoon by...
Thomas Nastros

The easiest way to end a "When I was growing up, we didn't have..." discussion:

"When I was growing up, we were all standing around for God to say 'Let there be light.' for the universe to be created."

Stops the discussion cold.

Why is it that Native Americans shriek about the slightest use of a stereotypical term for a professional sports team like "Redskins" or "Indians" or "Chiefs" but Jews have yet to abolish the use of "SS" as an abbreviation of Shortstop?

Catblogging seems somewhat tame and sane by comparison.

One more catblogging post for the day?

Okay.

While I'm trying to get a picture of Frisky and Edloe with the graduate's cap on, Piper's sitting up on the coffee table giving me this stern look. She's been my kitty-cat for nine years now, and she still can't get used to the fact that there's three other kitty-cats in my life.

Petting Edloe is heresy to Piper. She'll give a stern look, growl, or even chase her tail in a whirling shriek to let me know that Daddy needs to spend time with Piper and only Piper.

So why is it that Frisky was the Professor and not Edloe? Well, Edloe kept rolling over and grumping. Not easy to put a hat on a rolled-over cat.

Besides, Edloe hasn't graduated kitty-college yet. She's still working on her kitty-GED.

I only caught half of the story. Not the first half or the last half, but if I had dipped my hand in a pile of shredded papers, pulled out half a story, and then tried to decipher it.

A company tech tries to make their site work. He thinks they are running their server and site locally for some bizarre reason.

He tells the CEO that it's okay to kill the site. So, the CEO cancels the account.

Everything vanishes.

The CEO and tech then get into some kind of bizarre pocket of unreality where it's not the CEO's fault or the tech's fault. No, it's our fault for doing what they asked us to do.

I slam a quarter down.

"I'm betting that the tech is gone by the end of the day. Either the tech lied, for which he'll be fired, or the CEO lied, for which he'll cover up his mistake by firing the tech or he'll fire the tech for not keeping him from doing stupid things like that."

Nobody takes the bet.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is going to star in a new sitcom in the fall.

Mark my words. Four episodes and out.

Most people would lock their cats out of the room while recording something for a "serious" podcast for a friend.

Not me. Nardo's collar-bell, his meows, Piper's meows, and her growling at her tail add to the craptastic quality standards I hold myself up to.

In fact, Piper's growling came at just the right times.

Piper gets treats.

Qualls went in for an inning. He lucked out with a double play to save his ass.

The Disastros still lost, however. Another goddamned shutout, thanks to their crappy batting.

They never win when Qualls is allowed to though the mound, you know.

Get out the brooms.

You don't want to know about last night's grilling.

Let's just say it involved frozen red snapper, some weak barely-marinated veggie skewers, and a rolling cloud of smoke that somehow made it back through the patio door inside.

Of course, I used the mini-me grill instead of the big one because I was making just a small dinner for myself, but I got lazy and pulled it next to the door.

No more using the small grill.

No more grilling right outside the door.

Good to learn this lesson now instead of waiting for a crisis, not that grilling will ever be done in a crisis. Like the ATF is going to show up, slam me to the ground, and scream GET THOSE COALS GOING AND MAKE US SOME BURGERS RIGHT NOW!

I really ought to have a Grilling crap category, but I'm too lazy to go back and move posts to it.

Oh well. It's two hours to the Post Office opening. Might as well do something less than productive.

Back to bed.

If you thought that the pathetic and futile outrage against Caterpillar was annoying, just wait until the shrieking begins when the anti-Semitic, Israel-hating Leftists start into Trencor:

AP: IDF to use mammoth trencher to expose Gaza tunnels

The Israel Defense Forces have found a way to block the tunnels Palestinians dig under the Gaza-Egypt border to smuggle in weapons by using a huge trench-digging machine, according to a military publication.

The 100-ton behemoth would dig deep channels along the border route Israel patrols, exposing the tunnels, the soldiers' weekly "Bamahane" reports in its current edition.

The new trenching machine, made U.S. company Trencor Inc., might provide at least an interim answer to the smuggling problem by neutralizing tunnels now in operation.

I wonder what model they're buying. 1660HD weights in at 114Mg and digs six meters, unless they're going with a wheel trencher.

They even asked the company about it, and they responded:

Trencor's head of international sales, Don Sharp, said that Israel paid $1.4 million for one of its top-of-the-line trench diggers. "You'd need 15 to 20 excavators to get the same job done," Sharp said in a phone interview from West Salem, Ohio.

I bet that if the IDF put up a PayPal or Amazon link to donate a few bucks towards sponsoring these things, they could buy the 20 they need very quickly. No need to be begging Bush, Condi, or Congress for them.

Manufactured in Loudon, Tennessee, the massive yellow vehicle sports a snout designed to cut through concrete or metal to help lay large water, sewer, gas and petrol pipelines, Sharp said.

If it cuts through concrete and metal, then it's safe to assume that it cuts through Evergreen University graduates.

I like the company's attitude on the situation:

Sharp added that if Israelis and Palestinians learn to get along, "they could use it to help lay new infrastructure."

These things have entirely peaceful applications, too, if the circumstances warrant. (Not that digging a deep trench to prevent weapons smuggling isn't what I'd consider peaceful, but not even the most deranged Allah-loving Arab could argue that digging a trench to lay water or sewer lines for the natives isn't peaceful.)

Leave it to the ISM, UNRWA, and other multinational organizations to make sure that the peace never comes and the plowshares remain swords forever.

Another day, another 100 Words. Even though I had Topic Officer Of The Day duty today, I refuse to pick a topic that I've already got a story written for. I'd rather pick the topic the night before, sleep on it, and see what I dream up.

Yes, I've already podcasted the thing. It will be the last podcast with the old cheap microphone, I hope. It's time to buy a new cheap microphone.

It's also time for yet another chapter in the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln! This time, I've played with a bizarre quote about Lincoln wanting to see a preacher only if he acts like he's fighting off a swarm of bees.

The preacher shouted hellfire upon the congregation, waving his arms like a madman. He kept a stack of bibles by his pulpit, and he'd throw them at exhausted parishioners.

Twenty feet above, Abraham clung to the rafters.

He'd staked out this church for weeks, testing his drops and marking spots with chalk.

Wait for it... wait for it...

NOW!

The rafter creaked under his weight. The hive slipped from his grasp and fell on the choir director.

Oh well, he thought. When I hear a choir play, I like to see them act as if they were fighting bees, too.

I'll wait to add it to the podcast until after I've gotten a new microphone. I swear, this one doesn't sound all that bad to me, but then I've got a tin ear or something.

Got tired of cleaning out the Microsoft Optical Trackball. It's designed with the ball guides recessed in pits and the laser recessed in a pit. This leads to hair getting rolled into all three pits.

Yuck.

I'm trying out a Logitech Marble Mouse. It doesn't have a scroll wheel, but there's a two-button AutoScroll feature.

It's going to take a little getting used to, switching from thumb-ball to finger-ball.

There's a new UPS on the floor, guarding my system like the old one stopped doing. No need to program anything to auto-shutdown, since the only power problems here as of late have been thunderstorm-related.

Finally, I figured I needed more adornments. I wonder if these things work as cat-collars.

The Disastros got rocked early for nine runs, but they still managed to make 9 runs of their own.

They were looking like they could tie it up, but Qualls came on and on his second pitch BAM Pujols smacks him deep.

Dangling Chad Qualls curses yet another Astros game, despite it being quite possibly the first time someone with a last name starting with Q pitching to someone with a last name starting with Q (Quintero).

By the way, Jose Lima continued his collapse by giving up two dingers and five runs in less than 4 innings, blowing a 4-run lead which eventually led to KC's loss.

Way to go, Jose.

Piper takes a break and hangs out under my chair.

This took about twenty pictures. The light was just perfect, which meant I didn't need a flash and Piper's stripes came out wonderfully.