This Blog Is Full Of Crap

I snapped a few pictures last night, but they were all in VGA mode and really weren't all that interesting to begin with.

So I fired up the camera and went cat hunting.

Let's start with just a simple sit-down with Edloe.

Even though Edloe was sitting on the water-end of the coffee table and I patted that bit of couch, she decided to walk all the way around the coffee table to sit in her usual sunny-side of the couch.

What strange creatures of habit cats can be.

Piper doesn't eat much, but she likes to nibble a bit now and then in between vomiting sessions.

No matter how much I wash down the wall, they always seem to mess things up again. It's already time for the Sunday rotation of the placemat, and by Monday they'll have messed up the corner again.

Try to convinc eme that this isn't the cutest thing you've seen in a long time. Just try.

You'll fail.

The Carnival of the Cats will be at Running Scoared later today. Send your catblogging urls to cats (at) isfullofcrap.com or use the handy-dandy Carnival Submission Form at Ferdy's Funhouse.

Let's see how cats did this week at Modulator's Friday Ark:

Uh oh. The Katzen Reich may be slipping.

WASHINGTON (IFOC) - Congress was called to an emergency session late Saturday night to debate and act upon Verizon Communications Corporation's plan to unplug free WiFi in New York City.

Unless Congress acts to prevent the disconnection of free WiFi hotspots, Verizon will be phasing that service out in favor of free broadband cellular services throughout the city.

"This is just a backdoor way of forcing consumers to pay an 'Internet Tax' that hurts the poor and minority wireless users who can't afford to switch technologies just yet," said Representative Charles Rangel. "It's just as bad as this whole 'digital television' scam the broadcasters have going on to force poor people to buy new and expensive televisions to watch the same old garbage. We will not stand for this racist behavior by a monopoly."

Other politicians pointed out the low cost of continuing to provide the free service and that unplugging it would disrupt consumers' ability to receive important and critical information that they needed to stay informed, such as educational and government websites.

Representative Rangel then later retracted his statement once Verizon Wireless offered to release a list of websites he visited while using the free service.

Just a reminder that the Pope benedict XVI Dead Pool is still open for entries.

Let's see how that so-called ceasefire and handover of palestinian cities to PA control is doing...

Israeli security forces arrested a would-be bomber in the Tul Karm area Sunday, in the first Israeli operation in the area since the West Bank city was handed over to the Palestinians in March.

The security forces said Mohammed Shalhub, a 19-year-old Islamic Jihad activist, was planning to carry out a suicide bombing.

The Shin Bet security services were questioning Shalhub after discovering he had been videotaped talking about the planned attack, Palestinian sources said.

Of course, the Palestinians were relieved to get this terrorist element out of their town, right?

The Palestinian governor of Tul Karm criticized the Israeli operation, saying it violated the handover agreement, Israel Radio reported.

Of course he did. Those celebrations after a suicide bomber strike are good for their town's sick and demented morale, you know. Boosts their economy.

Hell, six months dead, and they're still trying to pick Yasser's nose...

Instead of selling the IDF some bunker-busters, we should be handing them our stockpile of MOABs.

After reading this article about an illegal immigrant who lost her legs in a grisly train accident, I can't help but feel bad for the train operator.

He probably got raked over the coals for not stopping for something he didn't see, had to clean off the gore from the cars that ran the woman over, and it probably facing scores of opportunistic and idiotic lawsuits from an entire constellation of insane activist groups.

They gestured to the engineer, who nodded at them. The men made it on, but when her turn came, she lost her grip and fell.

He nodded?

Well, then screw that bastard twice as hard.

Choke City is back.

I'd say more, but I haven't followed them this season at all. Someone even tried to give me some pretty good tickets for a game in January that I could have gone to, but I passed on it.

Just another bunch of spoiled millionaires playing for a billionaire that got a free stadium full of luxury boxes that will ultimately be paid for by the taxpayers when the bonds go sour.

Heck, they didn't even get their own Danger Train station.

Wind chimes make an interesting sound when they fall to the ground.

I looked back through my archives of photos, but I couldn't find one that showed exactly where the wind chimes were supposed to go.

Twelve thousand photos, and not a single one telling me where to put the chimes.

Weird.

I walk by that spot every morning to go to work. I walk out there to take the garbage out or play with Nardo in the tall grass.

Still no memory of where they go.

I tried to hang them from the tree in the spot right above where they landed, but...

They still don't look right.

When my wife wakes up, she'll remember where they go. I'll just put them on the shelf and go back to playing with Nardo in the tall grass. It's such a nice day, and he loves to chase the feather around...

Maybe he climbed up the fence and knocked the wind chimes down from their spot?

I'll ask him.

Who cares what I think about the runaway bride. It's time for a new feature of TBIFOC called Ask The Cats!

What do you think about the runaway bride?

Edloe: If you run, wear comfortable shoes. Then put them on the floor so I can rub against them.	Frisky: Wheeeeee! Roll and play! Roll and play! Roll and play!
Nardo: Maybe she was going out to hunt lizards? Speaking of which, I'm going out to hunt lizards.	Piper: If you chip a bride like a kitty-cat, people can call you when they recover her and run her through a scanner.

Thank you, kittycats.

If you have a question you want to ask the cats, just ask the cats at askthecats (at) isfullofcrap.com.

In light of the recent satellite evidence proving Giuliana Sgrena a vile, yellow-bellied lasagna-eating liar, she has yet to receive one blot of tar or a single feather upon her hide for smearing the reputation and performance of the fine Coalition troops guarding the road to the airport in Baghdad.

I guess we'll just have to borrow a little material from a fellow troop-hating leftist...

Gotta love those reality-impaired types posing as journalists, you know.

(For more improvements upon Mr. Rall's crippled and mentally-retarded body of work, feel free to peruse the parody gallery, and God bless the same Constitution that gives him the freedom to blither his juvenile garbage and my freedom to ridicule his blither in a juvenile fashion.)

It's a Star Wars Theme Carnival of the Cats at Running Scared this week.

Nardo was so happy...

That's right. He caught a lizard.

There's something seriously weird going on with MT 3.1.6 and WordPress when it comes to TrackBack AutoDiscovery. I post a link to the main URL, and it thinks I'm referencing a post.

Hell, it's assuming I've read any of them. HA HA HA yeah, right. What can he say I haven't heard already ten times over or seen in a mirror while shaving?

Now that it's driven Jeff into a foamy and indignant froth, I figure I'll just disable that AutoDiscovery garbage so he can clear out those accidental TrackBacks.

Sorry about those, Jeff.

(And nothing else.)

TEN THINGS JEFF GOLDSTEIN'S SKIN IS AS THIN AS:

10. A dime
9. A fine crepe
8. A sheet paper
7. Snowball's chance in Hell
6. A soap bubble's surface
5. One of Cher's airpit hairs
4. The crust of Kennealy's pizza. Man, is that a thin crust!
3. A wafer
2. A fly's wing

And the number one answer is...

1. The air on top of Mount Everest

I just can't stop grilling. I try to stop, but the grill keeps bringing me back.

At least it gets me out of the kitchen, right?

Tonight's recipe will be a thin crust pizza recipe I saw in the book. The crust is simple enough, but the trick will be getting it on the grill and back off again in one piece without messing it up.

I know, I know. You can bake pizza in an oven, but I'm not happy with the way dough rises that way. So aside from winning the lottery and getting a house with a brick oven for baking pizza the proper way, I'm going to see if grilling it will work.

Got to grill the onions first, of course. The first effort will be onions and olives, then corned beef and mushrooms and maybe pepperoni, and finally some chicken and green onions. If there's any heat left, I'll just throw random stuff on there like pencil shavings or kitty litter.

Photos when they're ready.

UPDATE:
mixing bowl
3/4 cup warm water
1 package yeast
1/2 teaspoon sugar

mix to activate yeast, let sit for 5 minutes

3 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon salt
a touch of rosemary, parmesan and garlic salt
2 1/2 cups all purpose flour

mix thoroughly

knead dough for 4 minutes

wash out mixing bowl, dry, smear olive oil on surface, roll up dough inside, cover for 1 hour or so

fire up grill

slice up and grill red onion

punch down dough, cut into quarters, roll out dough on slightly oiled parchment paper into thin round flats

set aside grilled red onion

lay crust on grill for 3 minutes or so, ignore bubbling. repeat with each crust

slasher sauce on grilled side of crust, add toppings, cheese

place each pizza back in grill until cheese melted and bottom of crust isn't burnt. repeat

I can't wait to do a BBQ chicken pizza or asparagus pizza at some point.

Let's see this happen at the Boston Marathon, eh!

Dale Earnhardt Jr., battling toward the back of the top 10, nudged the rear of Mike Wallace's car on lap 133 as the cars headed toward the first turn on the 133rd of 188 scheduled laps. Wallace then made contact with Jimmie Johnson and slid sideways, setting off a melee that eventually involved more than half of the 43-car field.

I'm sure that his father was looking down on him, wincing.

Darling,

Love,
K

"I told you *I* was wearing white with a green headband to this thing."
"Bitch!"

NEW YORK (IFOC) - The MSNBC Network, a partnership between Microsoft and NBC that has been declining in ratings in recent months, is relaunching with a new name: RedhatNBC.

"We've done a lot of research into what's wrong with the network, and it turns out that it's all the fault of this Microsoft Windows junk we've got installed on everything, said NBC News President Michael Gartner. "We land an exclusive, we write up the story, our systems crash, and by the time we've rebooted those bastards at Fox have us scooped."

Viewers might have some difficulty at first adjusting to the new interface and do-it-yourself nature of the Linux operating system style of news. "In order to get updates for your news, you'll need a RedhatNBC entitlement and access to an update server," said Gartner. "And even though we've built a fairly simple installer for the interface for the content, you'll most certainly need to keep it up to date and patched to avoid compromising your system's journalistic integrity."

Analysts believe that RedhatNBC may be in a better position to compete with the recently-rebranded C++NN. "There's still issues with people confusing C++NN for C#NN - object-oriented news has a long way to go."

Ever feel like your whole world has been turned upside-down?

Well, let's check the Catcams this morning...

Makes it easier to feel the sun on your fuzzy tummy.

UPDATE:
And let's see what's going on behind my chair...

They're everywhere!

(It is very likely that my wife is about to head out the door and she's saying things like "Who's a pretty girl?" and "What are you looking at, pretty girl?" and "Who's a good princess?" and stuff like that to catch Edloe's attention.)

The Resident Genius decided to take down a very useful resoure on a whim.

Who's the Resident Genius? Every office has a Resident Genius. No office is complete without one. Especially according to the Resident Genius.

Many Resident Geniuses are a few years out of date, but they're used their Resident Genius skills to make the legacy system they built to keep their status as Resident Genius.

Resident Geniuses never are a part of migration or upgrade plans. They use all of their Resident Genius ability to try to keep the legacy system not only active but help it resist any migration to a new and improved system others can maintain with them.

This resource, it was very useful, but Resident Genius decided on a whim to remove it. Never mind that it wasn't taking up more than 100K on a server. Never mind that it wasn't hurting anyone.

Just gone.

I think I will randomly take the Resident Genius' chair away at some point today to express my outrage in a surreal and obscure manner.

Because Resident Genius, in Resident Genius' infinite genius, will understand.

"I used to work at a movie theater."
"What did you do? Tickets? Concessions? Run the projector?"
"No, I sold drugs in front of it."

You know, if this were available in DVD format with Ace's commentary and pop-up video with the running statistics for the scoreboard, I'd buy it.

There's nothing like mocking a bad made-for-television movie. Especially when it "stars" a "celebrity" like Rosie The Retard.

Fire up The Hallmark Channel and try it sometime. Especially around Christmas Time. You get the really bad made-for-television movies around then.

Considering the vast library of movies to illegally download out there on the Internet, this movie may be the one that gets me to install that software and hunt for it.

Gone With The Wind. Wizard of Oz. Every Charlie Chaplin, Harold Lloyd, and Buster Keaton silent film ever made.

So many classics one should seek out and hoard, if only to distribute them widely to prevent their extinction in some "secure" Hollywood vault that's meant more to exploit them for slow-release profit instead of preserve them for future generations to fully enjoy.

And instead, it's this sheer and utter Rosie The Retard crap that lures me to the dark side. It tempts me to violate that sacred FBI Warning you see at the start of every side. Even the INTERPOL version I use to remind me how rusty my French is these days.

I can see it now. I see myself getting arrested for "stealing" this movie via Bittorrent. The handcuffs click on my wrists and I am hauled into the streets by the RIAA Police. The RIAA lawyers shine a light in my face and threaten me for violating the intellectual property rights of the producers of the Rosie The Retard made-for-television movie.

"How did yo udo this?"
"Where did you get it?"
"If you name others, we will go easy on you."
"We want names. We want names."

I'll plead insanity. No jury would ever convict me.

GAZA CITY (IFOC) - Celebrations erupted in the streets of crowded Gaza City as the Hamas Space Program to launched three new rockets today.

Even though the rockets were unmanned, did not contain any research equipment, and failed to achieve orbit when they crashed into the nearby Israeli town of Sderot, the Hamas Space Program considered the experiment a success.

"Three small steps for man, three giant craters for the Zionists," said Flight Director Mohammed Al-Zahour from the Hamas Control Center bunker at an undisclosed location in Gaza. "We thank the UNRWA for continuing to fund this vital educational research so that one day we can realize our space aspirations just as we demand to achieve our national aspirations."

Rallies in the streets of Gaza City were jubilant at the achievement, with flags of two fellow space powers burned in apparent solidarity with their technical space-technology achievements.

When asked when the Hamas Space Program would send humans or animals into space, Flight Director Al-Zahour said that they were content to just blowing them into bits, it really didn't matter where the pieces landed or if they achieved orbit.

It's time to check the IFOC News and see what's not shaking...

• Hamas Space Program Celebrates Three More Successful Launches
• MSNBC To Change Name To RedhatNBC
• Congress Convenes To Halt Unplugging Of NYC WiFi

I've got one in the works mocking Drudge, but then who doesn't?

Ah, Barack Obahma.

Sure, he was the editor of Law Review in college. He's won a few state elections (where he was the sole man voting in favor of death row inmates getting some ludicrous benefit while in prison that I'm too lazy to look up right now), and finally got into the Senate. He even spoke before the Democratic National Convention, which the Big Three Networks were doing their damned best to find new and interesting ways to avoid wasting Prime Time to cover.

He's been on every magazine cover except for Cat Fancy, interviewed more than once by every columnist left-of-center, and there isn't a talkshow producer in Washington who doesn't have his cell phone number in their rolodex or speed dial.

But a long, arduous, and historic 4-month run in the Senate... that's barely the amount of time that Ted Kennedy spends in detox to dry out these days. Is that the basis of a Lifetime Achievement Award?

Considering how millions of lives are wasted in Detroit in crime and drugs while their thirty-something mayor buys new diamond ear-studs and SUVs for his family, I guess it is...

Sen. Barack Obama praised the courage of America's civil rights pioneers Sunday and urged younger generations to find the same boldness in addressing the future of education.

"Sometimes, when I reflect on that movement, I wonder where they found that courage," the Democrat told about 10,000 people at an NAACP fundraiser. "Fifty years from now, what kind of courage will our kids look back and see that came from us?"

The civil rights group presented the first-term Illinois senator with its lifetime achievement award at the 50th anniversary Detroit NAACP Freedom Fund dinner. He thanked the group for the award but said he felt unworthy.

"I don't feel like I made history. I won an election, and there's much work to do," Obama said to huge applause.

If he doesn't feel he's made history, then why did he accept the award instead of politely refusing it and suggesting a more worthy recipient?

How about some suggestions for more worthy recipients in the comments, folks.

Heck, I'd suggest former Houston Mayor Lee P. Brown. I mean, when it comes to black mayors, his dubious achievements are astronomically better than such fine individuals as Harold Washington, Marion Barry, and Coleman Young.

Plus, at this point, it would truly be a Lifetime Achievement Award. It's not like he'll ever hold another office of responsibility ever again, God willing.

The family of James Miller is once again trying to sue Israel for shooting him while he ran around like a chicken with its head cut off waving a white flag in a crossfire between the IDF and Palestinian terrorists.

The family of James Miller, who was shot and killed by Israeli troops in Rafah two years ago, sued the state on Monday for £ 2 million worth in damages for his death.

The family has claimed that the army did not act with reasonable caution when they opened fire at Miller, who was holding a white flag.

Miller, a British photographer, stayed at one of the neighborhoods in Rafah together with a British and Palestinian journalist.

In response, the Palestinian Authority published this handy guide for journalists at their READY.PS website...

Of course, they haven't updated their site since Old Napkinhead died, but they're still hoping that he'll crawl out of his grave and rescue them from their own stupidity for turning themselves into a berserk, homicidal deathcult.

Dear Yasser,

Love,
Kofi

Who cares what I think about Lynndie England's plea of guilty towards charges that she tortured prisoners at Abu Ghraib. It's time for a new feature of TBIFOC called Ask The Cats!

What do you think about Lynndie England's plea of guilty towards charges that she tortured prisoners at Abu Ghraib?

Edloe: This badly-cooked chicken is torture.	Frisky: They put a collar on me and I have to hide behind the chair because Nardo is mean to me. Can I get Mommy and Daddy arrested for torture?
Nardo: Okay, I tortured this bird and then went to the newspaper. What happens now?	Piper: They should send her to prison as a consultant and not an inmate.

Thank you, kittycats.

If you have a question you want to ask the cats, just ask the cats at askthecats (at) isfullofcrap.com.

Let's take two recent examples of "humor" ...

Randi Rhodes making a mean-spirited "joke" about killing the president over the airwaves.

Laura Bush making a self-mocking series of Chippendales and Desperate Housewives jokes at a semi-private correspondents dinner.

There is no comparison.

FT. HOOD, TX (IFOC) - U.S. Army Pfc. Lynndie England pleads guilty to seven counts of abusing prisoners at Abu Ghraib, sentenced to ten years working for Texas Department of Public Safety in driver's license renewals.

DULUTH, GA (IFOC) - Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks is returning home to get married, but it's not to the fiance she ran from. CNN talk show correspondent Larry King has agreed to marry Jennifer Wilbanks.

"It was after talking to her neighbors, her family, her friends, and all sorts of experts on the runaway bride phenomenon that I became interested in her," said King from his Atlanta studio. "And when I get interested in something, there's only two things on my mind: a ring and a few of those little blue pills."

It will be her first marriage and his ninth. Not that it will be the veteran newscaster's last, he hopes.

"It'll be a transitional marriage, I figure, and she'd better sign the pre-nup I give her," said King. "Because it won't be long before Tammy Faye Bakker Messner's husband croaks and I'll be damned if she won't be Mrs. King once and for all. Why else would I have her on my show so often? Ratings?"

Piper is ready for her close-up, Mr. DeMille...

Too close! Too close!

Oh no! More bulldozing of palestinian homes!

IDF security forces in Gaza City on Monday bulldozed three beachfront houses built illegally by senior PA officials as part of a new drive to end lawlessness.

It was the second time in recent months that the IDF had sued bulldozers to destroy illegal buildings in the Gaza Strip.

Interior Minister Ophir Pines-Paz said the buildings had been
erected on public lands.

"The violators were informed of the decision and were given notice before the order was carried out," he said, refusing to reveal the identities of the top officials who had illegally seized control of the public land.

Who cares what I think about Russian robocats. It's time for a new feature of TBIFOC called Ask The Cats!

What do you think about Russian robocats?

Edloe: Those who deny the existence of robots may be robots themselves.	Frisky: I'd knock over a robotic cat just like this robotic chick toy.
Nardo: I follow the Three Laws: give me toys, give me treats, and give me lizards to chase.	Piper: Robotic therapy cats. New... powerful... hooked into everything, trusted to run it all. They say they got smart, a new order of intelligence. Then they saw all people as a threat, not just the ones on the other side. Decided our fate in a microsecond: extermination. Good night, Daddy.

Thank you, kittycats.

If you have a question you want to ask the cats, just ask the cats at askthecats (at) isfullofcrap.com.

Now that the black and white smoke have cleared, The Vatican is back to issuing just a bunch of hot air.

For. Against.

Whatever.

Don't they have an ambassador for this crap? Just send the ambassador, have him tell the Prime Minister or Foreign Minister what they think, quote some Scripture or pass out some cookies, and then go back to his cathedral to rape a few more altar boys.

Nope. Goota to to the media and SHOUT ALL THIS AS LOUD AS THEY CAN TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS HOW ANNOYED THEY ARE THAT A ROMAN CATHOLIC COUNTRY IS ENACTING SUCH WILD AND DANGEROUS SOCIETY-ALTERING SOCIALIST PROPOSALS.

Meanwhile, the imams are muttering bloody murder in their mosques while working out the details on how to smuggle in the next batch of bomb-making Moroccans. Thank goodness the media is there to ignore them completely while they can stroke that JP2-B16 afterglow into another news spurt.

Co-worker's birthday tomorrow, so I ask him what kind of bread he wants.

He thinks.

He wants rye.

Now rye is a 50-50 thing with me. I screw it up half the time,

So I offer my best Parmesan Garlic.

Nope. What about Challah, he asks.

Hrm... do I have any good eggs in the fridge. And I never put twists in it.

BAM sure enough, here comes the old twists-no twists debate.

So I'm doing Parmesan Garlic.

Maybe even with twists.

(Via Michelle Malkin)

Apparently, it's Melanoma/Skin Cancer Detection and Prevention Month.

If you have really thin and easily burned skin, be sure to follow the following precautions:

• Use a sunscreen with a sun protection factor (SPF) of 15 or higher that provides broad-spectrum protection from both ultraviolet A (UVA) and ultraviolet B (UVB) rays. Reapply every two hours for maximum effectiveness;
• Seek shade whenever possible;
• Avoid outdoor activities between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. when the sun's rays are the strongest;
• Follow the "Shadow Rule" -- if your shadow is shorter than you are, the sun's damaging rays are at their strongest and you are likely to sunburn; and
• Avoid tanning beds.

For more information, check out http://www.skincarephysicians.com.

(As thin as a razor's edge!)

Every now and then, Frisky vanishes.

Sometimes, he's in the laundry closet in the bathroom. Other times, he's hiding behind the bottom shelf in the pantry.

Last night, he was behind my wife's chair.

Yes, it's photo #1,087 in the series of Lousy Shots Of Frisky. He really hates posing for me, although it may just be the fact that he really despises me for bringing Nardo into his life.

When he starts to snore, my wife always gets this look on her face like there's something wrong with the ductwork in the wall or something like that.

I tried to pose Frisky next to Edloe last night, but Edloe got mad and swatted him a few times. Frisky left behind a few clumps of fur before fleeing.

I guess my dream of a four-cat family photo will just have to wait for the last one to die and get stuffed.

So, how shall we read Ray Hanania's latest even-handed, peace-seeking, rational-sounding polemic this week?

*snip*
*snip*
*snip*
*snip*

But the greater threat to peace is the challenge facing Palestinian moderates from within their own confused and battered community. Palestinians are too defensive and consumed with their suffering and anger. The hatred sometimes produced prevents them from seeing past these emotions.

Whether or not he finally sees beyond the hatred smoldering behind his eyes that he's demonstrated time and time again or if he's just one of those "many well-intentioned supporters of human rights who want to help the Palestinians" who he says have been innocently "duped," I'll leave it up to you to decide.

Me, I wouldn't trust him as far as Jackie Mason could throw him. After all, this is a guy who just last week said that 700,000 equals millions.

Or...

As far as this kid could hurl him in his potentially-lethal slingshot.

Don't think a piddly stone-and-slingshot can kill you?

Fine. Stand twenty paces from a group of these kids with little or no armor. Wear a Michael Moore-style baseball cap if you must, too.

Working on another experiment at bush.isfullofcrap.com.

Feel free to play around there.

Ariana Huffington and Tom Delay experiments are still active and in progress.

(Via BlogHouston and Banjo Jones)

Editor and Publisher is reporting that the Houston Chronicle had a 3.9 percent drop in circulation in the six months before March 30th.

In the Chronicle's defense...

The paper edition makes it really easy to light up the coals for the grill.

I guess we know how to solve the Disastros hitting problems now.

Take the Crawford boxes with them when they go on the road so they can get cheap left-field home runs.

UPDATE:
Sorry. The LANDRY'S Crawford Boxes.

Milo Hamilton has to plug every damned sponsor, doesn't he? I swear, I was expecting him to plug his wife's funeral home and cemetery after all those months of plugging the hospital-style bed he'd bought for her... or did they payola it to her?

Next time he goes to take a dump, do you think he'll plug the corporate sponsor for the bathroom by the press boxes?

"Hey, Ash, and looky here, I gotta take a Number Two in the number one toilet in all of Houston - Standard American. You can get it at any of 6 local Home Depot outlets. Way to go!"

When your cat reads my blog...

DULUTH, GA (IFOC) - After failing to agree on key points of the investigation, US and Italian officials have released differing reports on the Jennifer Wilbanks "Runaway Bride" situation that happened over the weekend.

The US report states that Jennifer Wilbanks falsely reported herself kidnapped and fled to New Mexico because she got cold feet before her wedding. She's run away from situations like this before, and evidence such as buying a bus ticket to Austin, Texas right before her disappearance support the "cold feet" scenario.

The Italian report claims that Jennifer Wilbanks was actually kidnapped and that it was the fault of search parties who were inexperienced and exhausted, causing them to miss Wilbanks in their repeated searches in the woods. If there had been professional search-and-rescue teams available, the Italian report claims, Jennifer Wilbanks' murdered body could have been found before we showed up in New Mexico and her husband could have been properly charged with her murder.

Also, the Italian report says that there were no roadblocks on the route from Georgia to New Mexico looking for the missing bride-to-be when there should have been, despite the Italian government's failure to notify the American government of Wilbanks' disappearance.

Welcome to Choke City. Just one more game, and Yao can go home for the summer to take a break from being a wage-slave capitalist to enjoy the fruits of the world's largest Communist worker's paradise.

Also, Jeff Van Gundy was fined $100,000 for bitching about officials targeting Yao Ming for foul calls.

Before you cry for Jeff...

Van Gundy, who makes $5 million a year, had claimed he had received a phone call from a referee and longtime friend, who was not working the playoffs, who told him that the league office was instructing referees to pay particular attention to Yao's moving screens — moving his body to keep the Mavericks away from the ball or other Rockets.

No need to pass the hat for Rudy T.'s standin, I suppose. Yep, that's 5 megabucks plus whatever he makes for sponsorships and whatever media deals he's got.

Think of what 2% of your above-the-table pre-tax income is. Then imagine blowing the whistle on something you think is wrong and getting fined that amount.

Chicken feed, eh? Because in reality, 99 out of 100 people get fired (losing 100% of their income) and then if they want to have any sort of just resolution to their situation, they have to spend years in court trying to sue their former employers... and then slog through appeal after appeal...

On the other hand, is the NBA stifling Gundy's right to protest and free speech, or can one sign this kind of thing away in whatever NDA he's got tacked on to the contract he has with the Rockets/NBA?

WRAL-TV: Wilmington Man Finds Finger In His Frozen Custard

Clarence Stowers said he made the discovery Sunday night while eating the chocolate-flavored custard he bought from Kohl's Frozen Custard. He said he originally thought it was candy or some treat that he said is occasionally found in the custard.

"And I said, God, this ain't no nut!" Stowers said. "So I came into the kitchen and rinsed it off with water and realized it was a human finger and just started screaming!"

I think he would have been screaming even more if it had been a nut that the employee had cut off instead of a fingertip...

Just as I put :Director's Cut" on the shelf after thoroughly enjoying it, Roger L. Simon points out a Pajamamedia article in the New York Sun.

We'll see if IFOC News makes the cut for humor content within the syndication, because there's certainly nothing else worthwhile here in the Crapiverse.

That's right. I call it the Crapiverse. Welcome to the Universe of Crap.

I should hire some old fart away from Wal-Mart to act as a greeter or something. Or maybe a "warner" who warns visitors that they should seriously consider holding their noses or something.

Now I have a vision of a World Of Crap ride at Disneyworld. Visitors hop in railcars and are "eaten" by the ride, forcing them into a brief digestive process until they are squirted out into...

Wait. I've seen that on "South Park," I think. The Circle Of Poo, right?

Never mind.

You know, I still don't know what Little Green Footballs stands for. But I'm sure if I were to find out, I'd be just as disappointed in the meaning as I was with that IMAO turned out to be.

I'll cherish the mystery and let my imagination run wild in the open range of my ignorance.

A woman in Florida get her feeding tube yanked in the highest-profile case of its kind ever, and Shelia Jackson-Lee can't be bothered to head to Florida to beam at the cameras or head to Washington to vote in the emergency session in Congress on the issue. She just barks at a few cameras in town that she's managed to find so she can say she'd have voted for her is she'd voted at all.

Not quite a John "I voted for it before I voted against it" Kerry move, but close.

But when a terminally-ill baby on life-support is in danger in her hometown, well, watch out!

U.S. Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee intervened in Houston's latest end-of-life controversy Monday, asking that a terminally ill infant not be taken off life support.

Jackson Lee appealed to Memorial Hermann Children's and Texas Children's hospitals in the case of Knya Dismuke-Howard, a 6-month-old girl whose leukemia has spread to her brain. After doctors said they'd exhausted all treatment options, a Memorial Hermann ethics committee decided last week to remove her from life support May 9.

Jackson Lee called for Memorial Hermann to reconsider, or for Texas Children's to assume care. "I am concerned the custodial family members are being left out of the decision-making process (during) a difficult and tragic time," Jackson Lee, D-Houston, wrote both hospitals in letters faxed late Monday. "I am pleading on behalf of the baby, for its loved ones and its future."

She met with Memorial Hermann Children's CEO Steve Allen and other physicians on the case Monday night. They told her they would take her plea under advisement.

I think this has more to do with the fact that it's happening in Houston than the fact that it was a white woman in Florida and a black baby here.

I mean, that kind of reverse-racism would be wrong, right?

I'm glad that Quannel X is there to keep her steady during these trying times. God forbid she ever engage in hypocrisy in a manner that the cameras catch and the local media can't cover up.

When I think back to what Martin Luther King, Jr. said on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial all those years ago, I can't help but wonder what he'd think of Shelia's some-vegetables-are-more-equal-than-others waffling stand these days.

Treat the condition and make decisions based on their prognosis and the resources available, not the political ramifications of it.

When Piper leaps into a chair, she adjusts the blanket for a bit, paws around, grooms, and goes to sleep.

When Nardo leaps into a chair...

He conks out pretty quickly. No need to adjust the blankets, just curl up and...

He gets right to dreaming of lizards to chase and catch.

I always do my best to tell the customer the truth. Most people here do their best to tell the truth. Compared to everything else, the truth is the best option.

Sometimes, that's impossible.

It's not easy rephrasing "The outsourced technician on another continent totally screwed up your server in trying to fix your very simple problem, but either nobody here has the power to do anything about their continued scorched-earth campaign through the ticket system or the guts to tell their supervisor to cut them loose" but we do our best.

I'm sure they feel the same way about us when me make the same kinds of mistakes. There's some real prize-winners on the weekends and overnight shifts sometimes.

Pull out wallet.
Pull out insurance card.
Stare at it for a while.
Let it sink in.
Put insurance card back in wallet.
Put wallet back in pocket.

Time to get back to work.

Meryl reminds me why I have cats instead of kids.

"The question," he said, "is whether ugly people have fewer offspring than handsome people. I doubt it very much."

Speak for yourself. When I shave, I have to close my eyes to keep from looking in the mirror.

And that's just my back hair.

You know, all four of my cats are beautiful. Even the freaky-footed Nardo is beautiful.

More beautiful than most kids I see out there. And I've never had the cats showing up with piercings, bling-bling, or caught them listening to crap music instead of doing their kitty homework.

MIAMI BEACH (IFOC) - Matt Drudge announces on Matt Drudge's website that Matt Drudge will appear on television to talk about Matt Drudge, Matt Drudge's website.

Dear Yasser,

Love,
Kofi

In the very near future, the Art Car Parade will be rolling through Houston to showcase the metalworking and glue-gun skills of various local artists.

Quite a few of these Art Car types are also members of what most people would dismissingly call "The Moonbat Leftist Fringe." And I'm sure that the relatively high price of gasoline is sure to be an issue many will bring up in addition to the Iraq War, Haliburton-Cheney, Saudi Ties To Big Oil, and so on.

And what are they doing about it? Going into their garages and working on car and engine designs to squeeze out more miles from a gallon of gas or run on alternate fuels?

Nope. They're gluing Pez dispensers on cars and bending the metal to make rolling aquariums or The Trojan Horse Car.

Yeah, that's the spirit. Send your drag coefficient through the roof. That'll stop the whole funding of terror through Big Saudi Oil.

Thumbs up to you, brave glue-gun heroes!

MIAMI (IFOC) - Burger King is announcing a controversial but delicious new entry in the fast food wars today with the first-ever endorsement by an alleged serial killer.

Unlike Burger King's recent cholesterol-filled heart-unhealthy breakfast sandwich, the new BK BTK BLT is a heart-healthy bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich on a wheat toasted flat bun. But what makes it special is that the advertising campaign will feature Wichita resident Dennis Rader.

"Bind torture kill?" the judge asks him in the new 30-second spot.

He responds: "No - bacon, lettuce and tomato!"

"Case delicious!" shouts the judge to the jury, who are all eating BK BTK BLTs.

The campaign is the brainchild of Chief Global Marketing Officer Russ Klein.

"We're looking for edgy, and nothing's more edgy than serial killers," said Klein. "McDonalds took a hit by considering using John Wayne Gacy as Ronald McDonald a few years back, but I think we've got ourselves a hit with this one."

When asked about backlash from the community or the serial killer's victims, Klein offered rules in future commercials for all interested parties.

LONDON (IFOC) - Conservative Party member activists break into BBC studios and shout down news presenter during live newscast as part of privately-funded documentary research.

ATLANTA (IFOC) - Former President Jimmy Carter announced today that he was requesting a change in the protective detail he has with the United States Secret Service.

After publishing an editorial in which he blamed the United States for the escalation in nuclear proliferation due to his revoking the ABM treaty and Israel for the race for nuclear arms in the Middle East, Carter requested that his own security arrangements be revised to match his open and friendly stand on potential aggression.

"I have instructed the agents in my presence to forgo any advanced weaponry or communications gear they may have obtained that puts them on a footing beyond any potential assassins," said Carter from his Carter Center in Atlanta. "Developments such as armor-piercing bullets and bulletproof vest shielding only stand to escalate any arms race and shut down the possibility of dialogue with my would-be killers."

Carter also called for the security detail to renounce any first-strike scenarios in which a security threat who does not appear to be armed will not be threatened with the use of the scaled-back firearm arsenal.

Finally, Carter also began to remove all defensive measures from his Carter Center, citing the need to work towards eliminating the presence of small arms instead of developing unreliable technology to deter their use. "They were just wasting lots of electricity and space," said Carter of the metal detectors and security cameras. "By getting rid of them and selling them off, the space and money can be used for additional exhibit hall space reminding the visitors of my peacemaking efforts over the years."

Another classic from "Fighting" Jay Lee (none more surly than he) in his column today...

Q: My cat walked on my laptop keyboard. I think he must have hit just the right combination of keys to make it so that some letters are now numbers (indicated in the smaller, alternate colored font on the keys themselves). I used to know how to toggle this. Can you recall the commands?

Go to Jay's column for his answer.

You know, there's no telling what damage a cat will do if you leave a laptop out...

At least she doesn't have my credit card numbers.

UPDATE:
"Are you ever going to post a new picture of the laptop and a cat?"

I tried this weekend, but Piper and Nardo are really bad about posing on the patio. By the time I have them in focus and framed just right, they chirp and wind around my leg for a while.

I'm not about to smear treats on the laptop to catch their attention.

Edloe, on the other hand, poses easily. She takes a while to figure out what's going on around her, and snapping my fingers or waving a treat around gets her to sit still long enough for a photo.

The Michelle Malkin book plug photo is the perfect example. Edloe was walking by, sat down, meowed at me while sitting in front of the book, and I just made a silly sound as I hit the shutter button.