This Blog Is Full Of Crap

When most people transpose letters, they make some kind of lame joke that they're dyslexic. What, and if I stumble and fall down a flight of stairs, I should claim to have MS or some neuromuscular condition, too?

Bull.

The truth of the matter is that I renewed my domain, switched the A and R around, and all of the sudden I'm running isfullofcarp.com. I've got another year to go on this thing, and I'm going to get my seven bucks worth, dammit.

I'm sure that will make all the people refusing to link here because of the potty-mouth domain name happy now.

Anyway, please bear with me as I try to get this mixup resolved. In the meantime, try to keep a box of Arm and Hammer open near this site because there's no getting the fishy smell out once it sets in.

Cox and Forkum posted their donkey carping at an elephant while an 800-pound gorilla in a tutu with a blank sign watches on.

Normally, I reserve this honor for the likes of the loathesome Ted Rall, but this time I find inspiration from Ted Turner...

I call it "Color Blind."

Nardo says:

"EEET MORR FISSH!"

(But hold the horseradish)

Just a reminder that Sunday is Carnival of the Carp. Get your carpy posts for the weeks over to carp (at) isfullofcarp.com and you'll be included in this week's roundup.

And don't forget that you can always submit your carp to the Fish Category of The Friday Ark today.

Who cares what I think about alternative energy schemes in light of the increased cost of crude oil. It's time for a new feature of TBIFOC called Ask The Cats!

What do you think about alternative energy schemes in light of the increased cost of crude oil?

Edloe: Solar.	Frisky: Cheese.
Nardo: Solar	Piper: Solar.

Thank you, kittycats.

If you have a question you want to ask the cats, just ask the cats at askthecats (at) isfullofcrap.com.

PALO ALTO, California (IFOC) - Hewlett-Packard has announced the final candidate for the CEO position recently vacated by the departing Carly Fiorina. And contrary to rumors, HP decided to hire from within this time, preferring not to repeat their earlier mistake with Ms. Fiorina.

"We have selected a HP Business Notebook nx9030 to take the job," the board announced to the press. "It's durable, rugged, powerful, and yet flexible enough to handle all of the challenges presented by a large-scale business. This notebook represents a blending of the best of HP and our subsidiary Compaq."

The board had considered other candidates in their selection process, including several from rival companies such as Dell and Gateway.

"We had our eye on an Inspiron 700," said one board member, who preferred to remain anonymous," but it found that the compensation package was not to its liking and we weren't thrilled with the prospect of it needing to go back to Dell for driver and firmware updates."

Readers should be aware that this is not the first time that a major corporation has selected one of its own products to head the company. McDonalds was run by a pair of cheeseburgers for five months following the death of its founder Ray Kroc, and the Microsoft Corporation has been under the stewardship of a copy of Microsoft Windows for Workgroups 3.11 since the mysterious disappearance of Bill Gates several years ago.

My hands hurt.

Think I've got carpal tunnel syndrome?

You know, I think like this site better than the original.

I believe it's because the link to my own site is to the right URL.

UPDATE:
If you haven't guessed already, I'm posting as IFOC. Thanks to Basil for the invite.

MINNEAPOLIS (IFOC) - Major League Baseball Commissioner announced today what he hopes will be a solution to several long-standing issues within professional baseball: the designated-hitter rule, gender-exclusivity, and the abuse of performance enhancing substances.

"We are announcing the creation of the Designated Tester position," said Mr. Selig. "Simply put, just as the Designated Hitter bats for the pitcher in the American League, the Designated Tester will offer himself up for testing in place of another player that's been chosen for random testing."

Regarding the issue of gender exclusivity in a male-only sport, Mr. Selig pointed out that the Designated Tester could be female, opening up new opportunities for women within the ranks of professional sports.

"In fact, the Designated Tester doesn't even have to be human," said Selig. "I hear that (Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder) J.D. Drew has chosen a horse, and the Chicago Cubs are going back to their franchise's long traditions and planning on using a goat."

Mister Selig went on to say that the Designated Tester will undergo a probationary testing period starting in just the National League, although it can be expanded to the American League in the future.

"There are many teams in the American League interested in extending this rule to both Leagues," said Mr. Selig. "And we've also had inquiries from other professional sports as well as Tom Sizemore."

HOUSTON (IFOC) - Under great pressure from advocacy and civil rights groups to address concerns about a disproportionate number of minorities shocked and stunned by police officers, the Houston Police Department Chief Harold Hurtt announced today the cancellation of the $5 million Taser program.

"It was a mistake, so we're going back to bullets," said Police Chief Hurtt, dressed in his brand-new police uniform. "I'd to take the opportunity to apologize to everyone who has been shocked or stunned by our law enforcement officers as part of this pilot program. I personally guarantee that it will never happen again."

Chief Hurtt then went on to shake hands with each of the victims of police Tasering.

"I'm glad this barbaric practice is over and done with," said Rufus Washington, 24, who was Tasered on March 10th during a domestic dispute. "If it weren't for that awful Taser, I wouldn't have to stand up here and make the Police Chief apologize to me and other victims of these cruel weapons."

"Non-lethal weapons can be dangerous when put in the hands of even the best-trained and displined users," said Hurtt. "Houston has learned its lesson and will dispose of these dangerous items quickly so that the minority population of our great city will be free from the terror of having non-lethal weaponry used against them."

The City of Houston will dispose of the unused Tasers on EBay within one week, the proceeds of which going to the general accounting fund for the city.

VATICAN CITY (IFOC) - In light of the recent controversy surrounding the brain-damaged Terri Schiavo's recent troubles and The Pope's moribund state, The Vatican has revised certain Bible passages to accommodate and formalize the new interventionalist stance by the Catholic Church.

Formerly, the King James Version of John 3:16 read as follows:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

The updated version now reads:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life after all medical procedures, judicial reviews, legislative discussions and any heroic measures - traditional or experimental - have been exhausted.

Vatican Spokesman Cardinal Gaspacci of Italy praised the decision by his colleagues to update the Scripture to accommodate the difficulties and decision-making opened up by advances in medical technology.

"Jesus would have wanted it this way if he'd have lived," said Gaspacci. "Not everybody can come back from the dead, you know.

"Maybe one day we'll be able to deal with that contraception thing."

Just in case you're not brain-damaged and someone pulled your feeding tube out fourteen days ago, merylyourishforpope.com is still available.

A suggestion from a reader:

You should have posted a memorial for Edloe for an April Fool's prank.

Fuck you, you sick fuck.

VATICAN CITY (IFOC) - Vatican City was in chaos tonight as the tiny country's leader hung between life and death in the hospital suite of his papal apartments tonight.

"Not only are we left without a leader, but we also are left without an heir!" shouted one crazed citizen. "It's worse than Baghdad after the fall of Saddam! President Bush should have planned for this!"

Looting and rioting are expected to continue into the night as the Swiss Guard has found itself ill-equipped to handle such an emergency situation.

"Halberds and chainmail?" said Captain Sven Gluck. "Are you nuts? This place is doomed!"

When asked about the ring of Roman Police forces surrounding the city, setting up blockades and traffic control, Gluck was indignant: "Sure, they've surrounded us, but they're doing nothing to stop the madness inside of the country! People are dying!

"We'd call the United Nations for assistance and peacekeeping forces, but we're just an Observer State. We don't even get parking places there, let alone the main phone number."

Experts agreed that any failure to bring peace to the Holy See would have disastrous consequences for the sidewalk cafe businesses surrounding The Vatican in that particular neighborhood of Rome.

So if the rumors are true, does this mean that Lucas Wall has to get his balls back from METRO so he can hand them over to Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority?

I look forward to tales of "The Big Dig isn't leaking!" popping up in Google News from time to time.

So, The Pope is finally kicking the bucket...

Way to go, Pope Surrender Your Christian Holy Places To The Arabs the First. We'll miss you.

Speaking of someone that didn't miss, I wonder if the gun-control nuts will go even nuttier and say he'd have lived into his nineties if that Turk hadn't have been able to get his hands on a cheap handgun. Never mind that it was the Koran in his hand and USSR spending-money that did more to unhinge his already-deranged mind than an easily-obtainable piece.

Let's just cut to the chase and tell it like it is, okay? Aside from Nelson Mandela, no man on this planet has done more to perpetuate ignorance about AIDS and aid in its spread than Pope John Paul II and his Catholic Church.

In the face of this viral enemy and modern day plague, Pope John Paul II is just as guilty as clinging to "old values" and allowing its spread as Jacques Chirac did in siding with Saddam Hussein on the eve of Gulf War II.

If humanity has any future as a result of AIDS rapidly escalating to epidemic proportions, I believe that the survivors in the future will judge this man harshly.

As this Polish troll rotted on his throne, declaring antiquated decree after antiquated decree, he has guaranteed that his successor will have a lot of catching up to do.

As Dennis Miller says: "But that's just my opinion. I could be wrong."

Speaking of Dennis Miller, there's such a thing as making a reference that's too obscure.

For instance, in this It's A Pundit post:

Oliver Willis has called me a know-nothing, dumbass racist white cracker Nazi idiot for not knowing that Richard Dawson retired from "Family Feud" years ago and was replaced by Ray Combs.

That'd odd. I caught some "Family Feud" while hanging around the hospital room with the InstaWife when she went in for surgery, and Richard looked a lot like that guy from Tool Time.

The real joke depends on you knowing that "Family Feud" host Ray Combs committed suicide by hanging himself in a hospital room.

I was going to keep this secret until tomorrow, but I figure that enough people have figured it out.

Yes, the template's been changed for the Main Site to a Carp Theme. But there's quite a few of you who have linked to the first post of the day telling people it's a Carp Theme, so when people click on it...

They see the Individual Post template appear as normal. No carp at all. They're probably wondering "Why did they say it was a fish theme there today?"

Only those going to the main site see the Carp Theme.

I know, it's weak, but that's show business.

Tomorrow, I'll be saving the Carp theme at carp.html for all posterity. Or until I crash the site and forget to back things up again.

Piper pulled the blanket off of her rocking chair this morning, so what does she do?

Piper takes my office chair from Nardo.

What a bitch!

Delicious!

UPDATE:

Tasty!

HARARE (IFOC) - Zimbabwe African National Union-Patriotic Front, the ruling party of Zimbabwe's President Robert Mugabe, celebrated a clear and easy victory today in parliamentary elections held across the strong and vibrant African country today.

"We are aware of the irregularities in the voting," said a ZANU representative. "And they have been corrected. Mugabe wins!"

Zimbabwe is the latest country to hold open and free elections in what is being called a wave of democratic reform across the globe, inspired by the recent toppling of the Ba'athist Regime in Iraq.

Failing to recognize the splendor of democracy in Zimbabwe as it has done in the past, the United States broke tradition and refrained from openly condemning the elections, preferring merely to lightly criticise them.

"After all, it's not like he engineered one hundred percent of the vote like Saddam Hussein did," said State Department Spokesman Richard Boucher. "He only engineered a slight majority of the vote. That's got to count for something, right?"

Mr. Boucher was then reminded that longtime moderate Colin Powell had already left office, at which point he began to scream obscenities. profanities, and curses upon Mugabe and family.

"I'll get you, Eh Steve!"

They begin on the Danube near Bratislava, surround Transcarpathia and Transylvania in a large semicircle, the concavity of which is towards the south-west, and end on the Danube near Orşova, Romania. The total length of the Carpathians is over 1500 km and their width varies between 12 and 500 km. The greatest width of the Carpathians corresponds with its highest altitude. Thus the system attains its greatest breadth in the Transylvanian plateau, and in the meridian of the Tatra group (the highest range with Gerlachovský štít - 2655 m (8705 ft.) above sea level in Slovakian territory). It covers an area of 190 000 sq. km, and after the Alps is the most extensive mountain system of Europe.

The Carpathians do not form an uninterrupted chain of mountains, but consist of several orographically and geologically distinctive groups; in fact they present as great a structural variety as the Alps. The Carpathians, which only in a few places attain an altitude of over 2500 m, lack the bold peaks, the extensive snow-fields, the large glaciers, the high waterfalls and the numerous large lakes which are found in the Alps. They are nowhere covered by perpetual snow, and glaciers do not exist, so that the Carpathians, even in their highest altitude, recall the middle region of the Alps, with which, however, they have many points in common as regards appearance, structure and flora.

The Danube separates the Carpathians from the Alps, which they meet only in two points, namely, the Leitha Mountains at Bratislava, and the Bakony Mountains, while the same river separates them from the Stara Planina or Balkan Mountains at Orsova, Romania. The valley of the March and Oder separates the Carpathians from the Silesian and Moravian chains, which belong to the middle wing of the great central mountain system of Europe. Unlike the other wings of the great central system of Europe, the Carpathians, which form the watershed between the northern seas and the Black Sea, are surrounded on all sides by plains, namely the Pannonian plain on the south-west, the plain of the Lower Danube (Romania) on the south, and the Galician plain on the north-east.

from the Wikipedia article for Carpathian Mountains)

Beloved Arafat,

Love,
Kofi.

It's Gefiltefrisky...

He's still working on the lid.

LOS ANGELES (IFOC) - As Pope John II lay dying in his papal apartments in Rome, millions across the world prayed for various things as bicycles, ponies, and other things they wanted.

"We could pray for his recovery, but why bother?" said a loyal follower who had shown up in St. Peter's Square in the Vatican with thousands of other faithful, "He's old, he's had health problems for years and he's suffering a lot. Praying for his recovery just sets him up for another round of medical procedures and more suffering. So I'm praying for that bicycle I've been saving up for."

Another was more blunt: "Instead of praying that the torture of this nice old man goes on, figure we might as well pray for things we might actually get instead of praying for something that won't happen. I could use a new job myself, so I'm sending out resumes all next week."

Experts were stunned at the sudden trends towards rationality in prayer.

"I've been praying that people would realize the futility of irrational prayer," said Dr. Benway of the Rhode Island School of Divitity. "Praying for the impossible is just as futile as wishing for it, and I'm glad people have figured that out. Finally, my prayers have been answered."

Despite this new trend of rationality in prayer, many still continued to pray for the impossible when it came to things they wanted.

"I'm praying for a World Series ring this year," said Baltimore Orioles outfielder Sammy Sosa, a devout believer. "That and my next test to come up negative."

It's been really great how I could take a memory stick out of my camera, pop it into the slot in the printer, and download the images through there instead of having to plug the camera into a USB slot on the computer.

Sadly, the slot on the printer seems to be acting up, requiring the cards to be slid into the slot just right or the printer doesn't connect with the card. I'd plug the camera into the comptuer directly, but my four USB slots are used for:

• Catcam #1
• Catcam #2
• Catcam #3
• Printer

Since I rarely use the printer for anything besides card-reading, I'll unplug it from the back, move a camera back there, and then swap between the pritner and the digital camera cable when I need to.

And here I was, content with my oversized card-reader on the side-table.

The best laid plans, you know.

UPDATE:
After having a sip of coffee, I asked myself "So where is my USB trackball plugged in?"

Sure enough, I've got 6 USB slots instead of 4.

I guess I can move one of the cameras on the front USB ports to the back and free up a front-panel slot for the camera without disconnecting the printer after all.

If you haven't seen it yet, be sure to check out It's A Pundit, which is the brainchild of Basil and the product of the many deranged minds he brought together to fill it with bloggy goodness.

Heh. Indeed.

(My own isfullofcrap.com remake has has been archived for posterity's sake)

Just in case you missed it, I've launched IFOC News, aka "The News Is Full Of Crap."

For now, I'm just going with the basic MT 3.1.5 template with a few additional links and the books/sites that have inspired the project. Whether or not it continues beyond the first few dozen posts will be determed by the market and my own determination.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California (IFOC) - Google announced today that they will be increasing the size of mailboxes hosted through its GMail service to infinite capacity in order to remain competitive with chief rival Yahoo! Mail.

"Let's see Yahoo beat infinity," said a Google spokesperson. "You can't be bigger than infinity. And we got there first. Hah!"

Yahoo! did not return calls seeking comment, but inside sources say that the "Infinity Plus One project for Yahoo! Mail is in the works.

"Let them," said Google. "We'll just do Infinity Plus Two or even Infinity Times Infinity. Or perhaps, 'To Infinity And Beyond!' like that cartoon character likes to say."

Best. Comeback. Ever.

NEW YORK (IFOC) - Jane Fonda's interview of 60 Minutes stunned the world today when she revealed that she is actually two midgets in a Jane Fonda suit.

"We used to dress up as Jane for Halloween parties, and people said we were a dead ringer for her," said Lester and Eunice Slovak of International Falls, Minnesota. "When Jane went missing in Vietnam for a week, we figured 'What the heck?' and took a plane to Hollywood. The rest is history."

"Thank God 'Barabrella' didn't happen after we did it," said Eunice. "There's no way we could have pulled off that spacesuit striptease."

On camera, the midgets demonstrated the delicate process of climbing into the suit and the painstaking makeup procedure necessary to pull off the illusion of being actress and activist Jane Fonda. "It used to take us six hours to put this all on, but thanks to help from (Oscar-winning special-effects and makeup specialist) Rick Baker we've managed to find shortcuts to get the process down to half an hour in some cases."

Proud of its accomplishment in bringing the story to the public, 60 Minutes stood by its principle of frequently granting celebrity interviews in place of investigative pieces as journalism.

"Usually when you hear about some celebrity appearing on a news program to reveal secrets, they don't actually tell anything and it's just a lame teaser for their new book or movie," 60 Minutes Correspondent Lesley Stahl. "Especially when our corporate owners are publishing or distributing them. The news story usually ends up being how we've failed to disclose a conflict of interest, but not this time. Two midgets... Jane Fonda suit... we've got it!"

When asked what their plans for the future were, the midgets said that they had no new movies in the works. "With my back problems, it's harder to keep Eunice up there for an extended shoot," said Lester. "Just like the Rabinowitzes who pretend to be Elizabeth Taylor gave up acting years ago. Plus we're tired with how fake Hollywood has become these days, moreso than ever.

"But we're very grateful to Jane's and our fans, and we would be willing to repeat our performance for any lifetime achievement awards the industry deems fit to honor us with or appearances for charity."

We have four new herbs needing planting, so I've culled back and weeded out some of the worst-performing crops in our garden to make room. A few jalapenos got doubled-up to see to let the compete for which one ends up going on to the next generation, and the catnip ment to a smaller pot so I could raise it up high out of the reach of fluffy black interloper cat.

The poblano has one last bud threatening to turn into a pepper. I cut the top off of the plant, leaving about a foot of stalk and some leaves with the bud to see if it will grow:

If it doesn't, it will be curtains for the poblano, making room for some sage.

Dear Yasser.

With love,
K.

NEW YORK (IFOC) - CBS News has quietly been making preparations for the death of its longtime commentator Andy Rooney.

Rooney, who has been said to be in frail health for several years, is still showing signs of recognizing coworkers and his surroundings, but is not expected to live much longer.

"Soon I will be at the side of Murrow and Cronkite," said Rooney. When reminded that Cronkite is still alive, he corrected himself and said "Severeid."

The ceremonies surrounding the death of a news commentator are a part of the longstanding tradition of CBS News. The process will begin with an assistant from Human Resources tapping Mr. Rooney on the forehead three times with a golden stapler. Should he fail to respond, he will be declared deceased and a 9-day period of mourning will begin.

Mr. Rooney will then lie in state in his office at CBS News' Black Rock headquarters in Manhattan while his typewriter and identity badge are destroyed to prevent their fraudulent use.

"We don't want Charles Osgood getting any bright ideas," said one unnamed source.

Editors and managers of CBS News will then be locked in a conference room and polled as to who will fill the vacancy, and the outside staff will be alerted as to their decision by the ritual shredding of the announcement memos.

Once the new commentator is announced, he will present himself to the CBS faithful on Sunday night shortly before 8:00PM, 7:00PM Central.

WASHINGTON (IFOC) - Veteran journalist Bob Woodward revealed today that the anonymous source only known up to now as "Deep Throat" was, in fact, Pope John Paul II.

"I promised him I wouldn't reveal it until his death, and now that he's passed on it's safe to reveal the truth after all these years," said Woodward. "I'm amazed that I kept the secret for so long, to tell you the truth."

Before he could explain how the then-Archbishop of Krakow came to be in Washington or had gotten a hold of the top-secret documents that eventually brought down the Nixon Administrator, Woodward was surprised to learn that early reports from the Italian press of The Pope's death had turned out to be incorrect.

"Goddamn Fox News!" he swore and he ended the press conference quickly.

"Dumbass," said Carl Bernstein in a statement through the Washington Post's publicist.

ROME (IFOC) - The major news networks and print media held a joint press conference to declare the news coverage of Pope John Paul II to be in stable, but guarded condition.

"We had a few rough moments there and thought we lost it," said Fox News President Roger Ailes, whose network had reported incorrectly that the Pope had died yesterday afternoon, "but things have stabilized and are improving by the hour."

Despite having planned for the pontiff's imminent demise, most major news networks had redeployed resources to tsunami-devastated areas surrounding the Indian Ocean and Terri Schiavo coverage.

To avoid the mortal dangers of "dead air," historians, clergy of all faiths, and political analysts were recalled from the broadcasters' reserves to active duty, avoiding the need for a draft from universities and think-tanks across the world.

However, despite the difficulties, relief supplies of broadcasting equipment and reporters have been airlifted into the trouble spot of Vatican City to provide relief for the ill-prepared local bureau chiefs.

"We were so short-staffed, we almost considered rehiring Jayson Blair to cover the situation," said an unnamed executive from The New York Times. "How desperate is that?"

Flights and shipments will continue into the foreseeable future, and news executives will continue to monitor the situation and update the public on the Pope's press coverage by the hour.

WIFE: "Well, I'm going in to work."
ME: "I've got people condemning me to Hell already."
WIFE: "Oh, really?"
ME: "Yeah, like that's new."

ROME (IFOC) - Disaster struck for Italian-Polish Dictionary publishers today as demand for their once-popular product fell to a 26 year-low.

"Sales were brisk until today, and then they just fell flat," bookseller Vito Grbowski said. "I can't even sell the paperbacks or the used ones for a half-euro today. I just got a shipment of them in yesterday. I've got so many, you can't even swing a cat in there."

Italian and Polish were considered two languages that were once incompatible for translation, one being a core Romance language and Polish being an extreme Germanic-Slavic offshoot. Despite the challenges, development of the Italian-Polish dictionary was hailed as a success of linguistic achievement after years of research and billions of euros in cost, a breakthrough considered to be rivaled only by the development of agriculture, spaceflight, and the internal combustion engine.

The sudden absence of demand will likely lead to the bankruptcy and restructuring of many publishing houses and linguistics research facilities.

At the time of publication of this article, book publishers in the Italian-speaking and Polish-speaking communities of Europe were unavailable for comment for unknown reasons.

Who cares what I think about The Pope. It's time for a new feature of TBIFOC called Ask The Cats!

What do you think about The Pope?

Edloe: If he smells anything like these shoes, then I'd like to rub up against him.	Frisky: Weekends are my Mommy Lap Time. He's ruining it.
Nardo: Is he in this bag? If he is, he's going to have a really big headache in about three seconds.	Piper: Is he gone yet? Is it safe to come out?

Thank you, kittycats.

If you have a question you want to ask the cats, just ask the cats at askthecats (at) isfullofcrap.com.

WASHINGTON (IFOC) - After releasing a study that said that half of cancer deaths were preventable, the American Cancer Society released a companion study today that said that the other half of all cancer deaths were unpreventable.

"You can focus on the half of deaths that can be prevented by exercising, quitting smoking, eating healthy, and getting regular checkings and screening, but where's the fun in that?" said the report. "Even if you got rid of all those cancers, it's still a coin toss. Fifty-fifty."

After careful consideration, experts hailed the new position by the once-annoying ACS.

"Every week it's nag nag nag this, nag nag nag that from the American Cancer Society," said Dr. Paul Linusing of the Johns Hopkins Medical Center. "You'd think that everything caused cancer at this point from what they've said since God knows when. But according to this study, even if you're careful you only reduce your chances by half. So stop worrying and enjoy life for once."

The American Cancer Society plans on running a national television campaign to alert the public of the new findings in the summer, ensuring that their own staff gets a head start on enjoying the longer days and warmer weather.

"If you're still that worried about things like skin cancer, which you probably would have gotten anyway, at least try to enjoy worrying about it," said an ACS spokesman. "Get someone to check your skin for you. Preferably someone hot. And with a tan."

UNITED NATIONS (IFOC) - The United Nations General Assembly was in chaos today as the deliberative body lost the guidance and direction of its most important observer-state, the Holy See.

"We've been rudderless ever since The Pope took ill, but his death has left us completely unable to manage," said General Assembly President Jean Ping. "It has become impossible to make any meaningful decisions now. We are trapped in endless debate."

The Holy See, nominally an independent country since the early Twentieth Century, has observer status within the General Assembly along with the quasi-state of the Palestinian Authority and several multinational organizations and alliances. Although they have no vote in the proceedings of the "Parliament of Nations," they often are allowed to have great sway over the tone and content of resolutions passed there.

When asked about the turmoil in the organization, Secretary General Kofi Annan was less optimistic than Mr. Ping.

"This assembly is a community of nations, and we depend on the input of each and every nation to shape the future of the world, most importantly the small, trivial, and insignificant ones you can walk across in less than a day," said Mr. Annan from under his desk. "We barely survived the death of President Arafat and the confusion it caused up when we lost the unswerving guidance of Palestine in out daily business. We're still coping with Mauritius finding its feet after the tsunami. But losing the bedrock of the Holy See sundered this great institution's foundations."

When informed of Monaco's regent Prince Ranier's imminent death, Mr. Annan threw his hands into the air, ran in circles, and screamed wildly that the sky was falling and the end was near.

Take a look in your underwear drawer. Take a long look.

Let's face it: your underwear sucks.

Just as Daylight Savings Time is the day that safety advocates claim as the day to test and change your smoke alarm batteries, today is also the day to test and change your underwear.

Have you got holes?
Have you got stains?
Have you gotten larger?
Have you gotten smaller?
Have you got an underwire that's poking through?

Your underwear has a very important job. It is the clothing that covers, cradles, and nestles some of the most fun and enjoyable body parts that your body has in its inventory.

I think that means something, and it's time you gave those parts the appreciation they deserve with new underwear.

So go through your undergarments collection and throw out the old and worn out stuff. Then, credit card and/or cash in hand, march to your favorite clothing store and purchase all new underclothes.

Not only is it good for you, but it's good for the economy, too.

(There's no need to post pictures, folks. Just get the new underwear, okay?)

ROME (IFOC) - Three Spanish Cardinals were arrested today after they were refused entry to the Vatican.

"I guess nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition," said Cardinal Ximenez of Barcelona, wearing his red robes of office and brandishing a plastic dish rack. "Did they question our almost-fanatical devotion to The Pope?"

Accompanying him were two other cardinals he identified as Fang and Biggles, standing at either side of a large stuffed reading chair.

"Cardinals Ximenez, Biggles, and Fang are part of the great tradition and legacy of the Holy Church," said a representative for The Vatican. "Torquemada's journals say nothing but high praise and admiration for their ruthless efficiency. However, as they were appointed in the mid-to-late Fifteenth Century, they are well over the voting age of eighty to be allowed admission into the conclave."

After a period of diabolical laughter with his compatriots, Ximenez responded: "To not allow us in is heresy on three counts: heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action."

"Four counts!" he later corrected himself.

As Cardinal Ximenez went on to state "Amongst our weaponry" the Swiss Guard surrounded and arrested the three robed figures, rushing them off to a detention center. "This is a place of worship and peace," said Swiss Guard Captain Gluck. "There will be no showing of weapons here."

Normally I don't pay too close attention to the catcams over the weekend, but Nardo's sitting behind me all curled up, looking like one of the toys he routinely grabs and carries off for the sick and twisted enjoyment of the crowd...

Unlike his toys, there will be no grabbing and carrying off for Nardo. Unless I decide to stand up and grab him, that is.

You know, he looks a lot like those blancmanges from the Planet Skyron who tried to win Wimbledon. I'd better let Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Brainsample know that one's on the loose.

God may have rested on Sunday, but the Carnival of the Cats never rests. Get your entries over to cats (at) isfullofcrap.com to join i nthe fun this evening.

I need to pick my own entry. Hrm... what shall I pick?

How many clocks did you have to reset for Daylight Savings Time?

• Microwave
• Digital camera
• Wife's alarm clock
• Wife's car radio
• Rice steamer
• Coffee machine
• Handheld digital recorder

How many clocks set themselves?

• Computer
• DSL router
• Wife's laptop
• Cell phone
• Fantazein clock
• FriskyCAM

How many clocks do you not bother to change?

• Chalkboard clock on wall
• Windup brass alarm clock on shelf
• ABC "Yellow" wristwatch on wall.

I always find it interesting how many devices have clocks these days, whether they need them or not. It's also interesting to see what things can manage to set themselves while others can't.

I'd like to take a moment to thank the CBS Network.

By sticking with the NCAA Tournament/March Madness, it has declared itself a variety-entertainment-sports network that only dabbles in serious news as a hobby, even if it's an expensive one.

Many people have said as such over the years, more so after the Rathergate affair. However, by their willingness to dump hundreds of hours and hundreds and thousands of dollars in expense preparing for this event in favor of the NCAA Tournament, CBS acknowledged that:

• The CBS News division is no longer dominant at the network.
• As a result of the Arafat announcement, CBS no longer trusts the news judgment of its news division to interrupt regular programming.
• Their largest audience comes from sports and entertainment, not news, and they would rather make their core audience happy than pretend to serve the public interests or inform the public.
• By not having a "face anchor" lined up in the wake of Dan Rather's demotion, it was pointless to interrupt regular programming so a "trusted" news face and voice could deliver it to them. (Sorry, Bob Schieffer.)
• They honor their contractual obligations.
• There are a wide variety of other news options, such as CNN or Fox News, that the consumer considers more reliable and informative.
• The consumers know how to access them quickly.
• For those insisting on receiving information from CBS, whether from CBS' correspondents or through recycled AP/Reuters information, the CBS News Web Site is available at al times.

The sad truth is that there are more followers of the NCAA Men's basketball tournament here in the United States than The Pope, and those followers of the round orange ball are a lot more devoted and fanatical than the dead man in the funny hat.

But CBS knows that. And yesterday, they've finally admitted that they're a variety and entertainment network instead of pretending that CBS News is still ruling the roost.

Let's hope that ABC learns from CBS's lesson soon, and that NBC and FOX continue to refocus their news efforts to their able outlets instead of infuriating their entertainment audiences while insulting all viewers by slipshod bottom-dollar "Big Three" global news coverage.

The era of "Big Three" networks interrupting events like the NCAA Tournament or the NBA Finals (as NBC did with the OJ "slow speed chase" in the mid-90's) will hopefully come to an end and they will finally accept their court jester role in world news coverage.

NEW YORK (IFOC) - Fox News commentator and host Geraldo Rivera plans on leading an excavation team to unlock the vault seals on the recently departed pope's apartment.

"What secrets lie within?" said Rivera to a sparsely-attended press conference at Fox News Headquarters. "What treasures did John Paul conceal in there? What is The Vatican hiding from us?"

The veteran investigative journalist proceeded to draw a map on the floor of the press center using coffee stirrers and folded-up press releases when suddenly a group of Catholic priests grabbed him and hauled him away.

"Official Vatican State secrets!" they shouted, putting a burlap sack over Rivera's head and leading him out the door.

The whereabouts of Mr. Rivera are unknown at this time. His colleagues expressed concern and relief at his disappearance.

Spotted on Fox News: Man walking around with Lebanese flag.

So, what's so special about Israeli Chess?

• Bishops replaced by rabbis, wander around aimlessly arguing with each other.

• Every move condemned by the UN and called aggression by the Arabs.

• To protect all of the pieces, the board is being surrounded by an 8-meter wall of Lincoln Logs and Legos constructed by one side and is being protested by the other.

• Pieces are not so much as captured as removed with pinpoint airstrikes.

• Pawns are actually foreign laborers.

• Both sides are actually just coalitions of various squabbling factions, rarely working in concert.

• Queen is replaced by Princess, movements limited by credit limit.

• Arab checkers consider the entire board occupied, want to shove the pieces into the sea that they don't manage to slaughter themselves.

Remember Cardinal Bernard Law, the Archbishop of Boston who sat on reports of sexual abuse by priests within his archdiocese that was forced to resign his position in shame?

Surprise - he gets a vote in the conclave.

Democrats should be thrilled that the Catholic Church is giving a fine example of fighting the injustice of disenfranchisement, even if it is for a rich old white male felon.

Well, you had one less hour than usual to get your entries into Carnival of the Cats this week. But at least you've got another hour of daylight to enjoy before checking out what Cathcoll.net has put together for everyone in a fun rolling-post format today.

Beautiful day out today. I took lots of pictures of the garden and the cats.

Edloe looked like she wanted to go out of the gate for a bit, so I opened it...

And sure enough, she wandered Outside for a bit. Nardo followed her out, and Piper even took a peek for a bit before deciding that Outside was too crowded.

I never worry about Edloe getting lost. She always comes back in.

I'm sure I could assemble something touching and metaphorical about life, death, and The Great Beyond with this series that could be uplifting.

Nah.

ST. LOUIS (IFOC) - St. Louis outfielder Roger Cedeno packed his bags and headed for the airport today in a somber but confused mood after receiving an invitation to the College of the Cardinals Conclave in Rome.

"This has got to be a mistake," said the Venezuelan-born Cedeno, "But I've never been to Rome, and who am I to deny the wishes of the Mother Church?"

Cedeno's attendance will bring the number of cardinals representing the United States to twelve. He will also bring some experience in youth relations to the group.

"My batting average may be down and my baserunning isn't what it used to be, but I'm pretty sure I can convince these guys to stop molesting young kids," he said, smacking his bat against his palm. "Compared to these old men, I'm considered a power-hitter"

SEATTLE (IFOC) - NTSB investigators are puzzled as to why a passenger train heading from Portland to Seattle made it safely into Seattle and on time.

"It's unheard of," said lead investigator Charles Foster. "Either these things are horribly late or they end up in horrible accidents. Well, technically both, but you get the point."

Attempts to replicate the lack of an accident with the NTSB's advanced computer-based simulators have met with repeated failure, resulting in disaster and a high number of projected fatalities.

"We even ran model trains through a scale mockup of the route from Portland to Seattle in an abandoned Air Force hangar," said a research scientist who declined to give her name. "You couldn't get those things to stick to the rails if you glued them down."

"We're completely stumped," said another researcher.

Because Amtrak had never had an accident-free, on-time passenger run before, senior-level managers had to resort to classifying the trip as "OTHER DISASTER" and listing all 147 passengers and 6 crew as survivors. "Their computer system won't take it otherwise," said Foster.

ON THE ARIZONA-MEXICO BORDER (IFOC) - On the first day of patrols, volunteers with the Minuteman Project have already succeeded in catching several illegal immigrants.

"We've caught a few lawyers planning on heading to Mexico City," said a volunteer patrolman who requested that his name not be used. "And we nabbed an 18-wheeler with false papers trying to smuggle a whole trailer full of market analysts, data migration specialists, and workflow consultants to Guadalajara."

James Gilchrist, the leader of the Minuteman Project applauded his organization's efforts. "Every man we stop, another job for a Mexican is saved, or a potential white-collar crime is prevented," said Gilchrist. "We are a wake-up call to the United States Border Patrol. If they can't get the job done of stopping these constant violations of Mexican Immigration Law, we will."

Not all were so ready to champion the early victories by the group. Mexico's President Vicente Fox, who has spoken out against the Minuteman Project, escalated his words today in a public address.

"These vigilantes must be stopped!" fumed Fox. "They are interfering with the natural flow of labor traffic between countries and the economic consequences will be dire for both of our countries! If migrant workers from the United States are unable to come to Mexico for jobs, those jobs will need to be filled by weaker, less-skilled Mexican candidates while those white-collar Americans will remain on unemployment and Welfare!"

The Minuteman volunteers dismissed Fox's comments and looked to the future: "With a few more recruits, we might actually expand our efforts into stopping some of these thousands of Mexicans coming into America every night."

"For now, we're doing our best to get around them to get to these law-breaking Americans sneaking the other way."

CHALLENGE: Save time in the mornings.

EXPERIMENT: Consume yogurt while computer is booting up.

RESULTS: Saved a few seconds, but lost them trying to decide which flavor of yogurt to consume.

Two more headlines this morning at the IFOC News, your new source for fake news.

I've got two more in Draft mode and a few written out in my Notebook Of Madness, just waiting for the perfect time to post them.

Yeah, I released a bit early for the Fonda piece and my spelling's been lousy, so I figure I'll just write these up in Word and let the red squigglies do their job. I still don't trust the MT spelling-checker plugins yet.

I think I'm going to get rid of that calendar thingy from the margin. I've never liked that feature of MT, and the Recent Posts / Breaking News section combined with a Headlines List archive page I'm working on should do just fine.

Not sure if I'm going to muck with the individual post templates much, and I'm going to wait to put BlogAds up there.

We'll see if I keep it going. Who knows... maybe I can break the vicious cycle of catblogging here on IFOC and focus on real fake blogging.

BOSTON (IFOC) - As Archbishop Sean O'Malley continued to deliberate with his cohorts in the Sistine Chapel to chose a new pontiff, trucks were offloading kegs, speakers, and smoke machines into the back of the Cathedral of the Holy Cross in Downtown Boston.

"There's no phones, no newspapers, no pagers, no written notes, no forms of communication," said Father Ross Grady of St. Matthew's, the caretaker pastor during the archbishop's absence. "They even cut the telephone lines just to make sure. Unless he sends out smoke signals saying ARE YOU HAVING A PARTY? from the chimney, we're so golden."

Another van was delivering wide-screen televisions that the priests we planning on showing the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship on. "This sure beats Bingo and molesting kids," they said while grinning widely.

Similar parties were rumored to be happening at Holy Name in Chicago, St. Matthew's in Washington D.C., and St. Patrick's and St. John's in New York City, but don't tell anyone.

Let me get this straight. Kids are stressed out from red, so teachers are using different colors to mark mistakes and incorrect answers?

"You could hold up a paper that says 'Great work!' and it won't even matter if it's written in red," said Joseph Foriska, principal of Thaddeus Stevens Elementary in Pittsburgh.

He has instructed his teachers to grade with colors featuring more "pleasant-feeling tones" so that their instructional messages do not come across as derogatory or demeaning.

"The color is everything," said Foriska, an educator for 31 years.

At Public School 188 in Manhattan, 25-year-old teacher Justin Kazmark grades with purple, which has emerged as a new color of choice for many educators, pen manufacturers confirm.

I think it's the letter "F" that stresses out the kids, not the color it's in. It's a lot like how I was with my cell phone tone when I was working for a certain hellhole.... it doesn't matter what ringtoine I used, I knew it was going to be some jackass imbecile on the other end of the line bitching about not being able to change their wallpaper or change the toner cartridge in the printer at 03:00.

But don't just blame the kids for being on edge. They may be high-strung, but it's got to come from somewhere, right? If a kid is stressed out from seeing "Great work! A+" in red, someone needs to have a talk with their parents to ratchet down the caffeine consumption a bit.

The emails are still trickling in from customers who never set their systems to automatically change for Daylight Savings Time or sync up with a time server. Going through the setup options in Redhat is a snap, but some folks still manage to mess that up or they need to do it manually for some arcane obsessive-compulsive reaso